48 Mistakes That Ruin Your Chances To Get Laid

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Introduction

~ 1 ~ When to Call

~ 2 ~ Making Her Jealous

~ 3 ~ Wishy Washy or Masculine

~ 4 ~ Character

~ 5 ~ Boring and Cold

~ 6 ~ Security

~ 7 ~ Code of Ethics

~ 8 ~ Tests, Tests, Tests

~ 9 ~ Fixation

~ 10 ~ Denial

~ 11 ~ Considerations

~ 12 ~ Too Fast, Too Soon

~ 13 ~ Give and Take

~ 14 ~ Partners in Crime

~ 15 ~ Competitiveness

~ 16 ~ So Mysterious

~ 17 ~ Transactional Business

~ 18 ~ Critical and Demanding

~ 19 ~ The Way I Am

~ 20 ~ Sore Loser

~ 21 ~ I Am So Successful

~ 22 ~ Condescending

~ 23 ~ Double Standard #1

~ 24 ~ Double Standard #2

~ 25 ~ Rational Irrational

~ 26 ~ Dressing the Princess

~ 27 ~ Desperate Generosity

~ 28 ~ Since She’s Rich

~ 29 ~ Degrading Women and Bitterness

~ 30 ~ Puppet, Doormat, Leech—Chasing Women Endlessly

~ 31 ~ Jealousy and Control

~ 32 ~ TMI

~ 33 ~ Being Judgmental

~ 34 ~ You’re So Beautiful

~ 35 ~ Reality Mismatch

~ 36 ~ Too Emotional

~ 37 ~ Let Me Help You

~ 38 ~ Safe Sex

~ 39 ~ Pretending One Thing

~ 40 ~ Pasha

~ 41 ~ Passive-Aggressive

~ 42 ~ Guilt Tripping

~ 43 ~ Unstable and Unpredictable

~ 44 ~ Changing the Subject

~ 45 ~ Second Chances

~ 46 ~ Complacency

~ 47 ~ Interested or Needy?

~ 48 ~ So Sorry

 

 

 

Introduction

 

A COMPANY I ONCE worked for had a saying engraved on a board in every office that read: “Never Assume Anything.” This pertained specifically to how to deal with clients and reports we would prepare for them.

I always think of this as a very wise metaphor for life. In my practice as a dating and relationship coach, I find that this serves especially well men and women who are trying to find dates or even their life partner. Many misunderstandings happen because one or both parties quickly assume something about the other’s behavior, words or feelings that may not at all be true.

In this article, I’d like to share with you common and less common mistakes that happen during the dating process and in relationships with women.

As women are intuitive beings, it is sometimes difficult for men to gauge or understand where they stand with them. In turn, assumptions get easily made, which often leads to not just misunderstandings but plain-out missed opportunities.

I hope that armed with this knowledge, men would be able to better understand the other sex, approach women from a more open-minded perspective and not take things personally when there’s no reason to.

So, to all the guys out there: I applaud you for your courage and determination to learn about women and try to be a better man every day. The world needs more of you and I’m happy to share some of the techniques that could embolden you in your pursuit of love, sex and happiness!

 

~ 1 ~         When to Call

 

THERE ARE A LOT of myths and rules circulating on how and when a man should contact the woman after the first date.

The mistake many make is to try and play by those rules. The only rules you should abide by are your “standards” of value, responsibility and your word. The more positive values and manners you cultivate, the easier it will be for you to feel when and how to contact a woman.

So, how does that translate into the real world?

Ask any woman and I can guarantee you that she’ll say you can contact her soon after the date, meaning the next day or even that same evening – depending on how it went, of course. That’s why it’s paramount for you to learn as much as you can about women and read her signs, language and level of comfort with you…

The 3-day rule and other “BS” that many refer to constitute playing games, but they are also a turnoff for most women. Somehow, many pick-up artists have made you believe that playing games and manipulating women is THE ONLY way to get a woman and that if you don’t do it, you’ll be classified in the friend zone and ”good luck getting out of it.”

Let me tell you: none of that is true or necessary!

Women are tired of games, lying and manipulation. If you want to stand out, why not try a refreshing maneuver: being honest. This creates a lot of charm for a man as he shows that he’s secure in who he is and what he does. Trust me, you’ll gather a lot more interest from women if you just behave in a relaxed and straightforward way.

So, if your date went well and you spent many hours talking and having fun, you can send a short text or email saying you enjoyed your time together.

The reason many PUAs tell you to wait can probably be explained by the fact that many men appear too eager after a date. The key is to find balance; everything needs to be in moderation. Send her a quick text and see how she responds. You can have a few texts back and forth, but don’t make it a full-blown conversation. There is a certain mystique in exchanging fewer words. You can always call the following day to arrange another date.

When guys start playing games, women see through the act in no time. That’s a big turnoff–and it can quickly backfire. It immediately shows her that you are insecure and that you went on some cheap website to learn trivial “dating techniques” that are so transparent most women will run.

I know, a lot of it takes practice and experience. That’s why real players have mastered their own personal brand of flirting and seduction. But don’t underestimate yourself. They did it by trial and error, most likely adapting a few techniques to their own style and watching how that works. They’ve adapted it to who they are and what works for THEM. That’s why most standard techniques that PUAs teach don’t work well. Or worse, the guys appear like dorks to women when using these methods. And at the end of the day, it’s not manipulation and lies that will get you to meeting and keeping the woman of your dreams.

So, be smarter than that. If you cultivate a good sense of who you are, accept your imperfections and have pure intentions toward others, you will feel confident. That confidence resonates with the opposite sex. You will feel comfortable calling a woman you like or, perhaps, telling a woman politely that the two of you didn’t click. It’s that simple, no need to make things more complex than necessary. Life is complicated enough as it is!

I’ve mentioned it in my other books and I’ll repeat it here again: when a guy waits too long before calling a woman, she’ll either think you’re not interested, you’re swinging her among a bunch of others and it wasn’t all that serious, or that you’re so insecure that you’re trying to manipulate her. None of these are good. Don’t listen to people who think they know that waiting is good to create chemistry and a sense of anticipation.

The best anticipation you can create is by having a successful and fun date in the first place! Then, she’ll want to see you again, and not because of your artificial games.

 

~ 2 ~         Making Her Jealous

 

WHEN A MAN really likes a woman and tries to “make her his”, especially if she’s beautiful, he may resort to jealousy to make her think that if she doesn’t hurry up and become his girlfriend, she’ll miss her chance forever to be with him. He thinks the fact that other women are around him will raise his value in her eyes.

He may try to make her jealous by telling her that other women are interested in him, or worse, flirting with other women. Both are horrendous mistakes.

First, a woman will not be more interested in you just by knowing you have others chasing you. You may think this will increase your overall desirability, but the opposite is true.

This will send a signal that you’re trying to manipulate her. It will put unnecessary pressure on her and it will show her that you’re insecure. Don’t do it!

When a woman is with a man, she wants to feel special, like she’s the only one in his universe. The ideal partner makes her feel this way. If she sees you’re going the extra mile to organize a heartfelt date that’s more tailored to what she might like or to her personality, this will immediately draw her closer to you (even if she doesn’t show it to you immediately).

The second you bring other women into the equation, the energy of your date will change. She will start wondering if she’s just a number to you, what your real intentions are and how trustworthy you really are. And once the trust is destroyed, it will never come back. By talking about other women, you’ll immediately chip away at that trust which may just be blossoming. As a result, you’ll be stacking chances against yourself as well as diminishing the value she believes she holds in your eyes. She will not feel special at all and will move on to look for a man who makes her central to his personal life.

You may have heard that women find married guys or men with babies attractive. This is true in many cases but not for the reason you might think. Women don’t like men BECAUSE they’re married or have a baby. They like them because they exude an aura of friendly confidence. These men are not attached to the outcome, they’re not stiff about talking with women because they’re comfortable with who they are inside. Yes, knowing someone loves you makes you more confident. When you’re single, it’s harder to exude this vibe. That’s why you need to work on bettering yourself in all aspects of life: personality, generosity, ambition, gallantry and more.

You may ask: “Well, I am needy. I haven’t been with a girl for a while, and I’m having a hard time getting women to go past the first date with me. How can I not appear needy if really, deep down, I am?”

The answer is that “being needy” is a perception of the ego. Love yourself for who you are and always try to improve. And by improving, I don’t mean you need to do it because you are defective. On the contrary: it means you’re already good, but you want to be even better. Even if you’ve been unsuccessful with women before, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person; that doesn’t mean you can’t learn about them and become better at it. Your abilities are already good. If you want to improve, why not learn a new skill? This could be something such as studying math, learning how to paint, practicing other languages, trying to do handyman projects, or, why not, learning how to be better at relationships with women? Everything can be learned and fine-tuned. It’s up to you to just do it.

 

~ 3 ~         Wishy Washy or Masculine

 

 

THE SUBJECT of masculinity and leadership is mentioned in almost every article on dating and relationships for men. Yet, it’s important to discuss it here once more, as it is often misunderstood.

When we say that women like a masculine man, what we mean is that we like a man who is a leader, one who takes initiative and who is responsible for his actions. That’s also what makes a man a man and not a boy. It’s part of growing up and coming into your own.

Women like confident men who have a life, men who make decisions, and men who know what they want.

The mistake that some guys make is either taking their masculinity too far (being macho), or not being masculine enough (wishy washy).

Let’s first look at the macho man. That sounds pretty cool, right?

Not so much when used incorrectly. The macho attitude is acceptable when you’re with other men, but when you’re with a quality woman, you ought to be a gentleman – not macho. Don’t start showing off, competing and further acting from your ego. A woman usually prefers a guy who stands strongly in his shoes and who is confident. But that doesn’t mean she likes an arrogant guy. If your “macho-ness” leads to putting her down, trying to have the last word in everything you discuss, and making unilateral decisions, you’ve gone in the wrong direction. This can quickly come off as controlling and domineering. It will be a relationship that’s unbalanced, and it will eventually fail.

Now, leaning in the other direction can be just as dangerous. If you don’t have goals in your life and you’re just floating through whatever happens to you, you show that you have no ambition and no backbone. This will make you appear weak. Few women will feel comfortable around a guy if she has to constantly motivate him or push him to do things or to become someone. If you can’t make decisions, are not sure in which direction to steer your life or are disorganized in the things you do, she will first try to help you, but eventually she’ll get tired of making an effort for two lives: yours and hers. A good girl wants to contribute to a guy’s life when he’s motivated, ambitious and driven.. But if he starts whining about his lack of direction, success or possibilities, she’ll lose respect for him. She also won’t be attracted to a guy who quickly gives up. If you’re trying to do something, then go for it. Don’t retreat just because you’ve encountered a stumbling block. She wants to see that you have a backbone and courage and determination to go after your desires.

James came from a wealthy background. He had a business degree and a job as an analyst. However, he wasn’t happy with his position. He felt that his passions lied elsewhere and had several ideas that he was toying around with.

He had been dating Olivia for a couple of months and all seemed to go well. Then he invited her on a trip to the Caribbean. They were on a beautiful island and he took her sightseeing around the island and to different restaurants for dinner. It was a lot of fun.

Notice how these are all masculine behaviors and James scored many points through dining and sightseeing.

But then, one night, they were lying in bed and talking. He mentioned his frustrations as to his work situation and that he wasn’t happy with how much he was making nor with what he was doing. He shared a few ideas with her. His dream was to start a private plane charter company. He had learned how to fly and thought he’d enjoying doing something related to that.

Olivia was very enthusiastic for him. She encouraged him, especially because he told her that his dad would finance the project if he wanted.

But James wasn’t sure. He seemed to be talking in theory about it and said he didn’t want his dad helping him. Then he mentioned that he wouldn’t mind becoming a therapist. She again gave him her support. But then, he noted, he would need to spend several more years to study and then to work under someone, and he didn’t want to do that. He went on to talk about two more things that he liked, but each time there was an obstacle in the way.

Olivia became exasperated with him. It seemed that he had all the possibilities in front of him, even financing if needed, yet he kept finding excuses. She felt that he was lacking drive and perseverance and that disappointed her.

Their relationship didn’t last.

A couple of months later, Olivia met Spencer. He was still finishing his graduate degree, but Spencer did know what he wanted.  He had lots of ideas for the future, was already applying for jobs and was very motivated to start his professional life. That really impressed Olivia as she felt he knew what he wanted, even if he didn’t make any money yet. They stayed together for a long time.

In short, be a man who knows what he wants and aims to get it, but don’t let your confidence be a tension in the relationship. Balancing your masculinity is key to attraction.

 

~ 4 ~         Character

 

 

WOMEN LOOK AT a man’s character more than anything else. You may be rich, poor, ugly, good looking, employed or without a job, but in the end, it will be your strength of character and your personality that will attract the right girl.

The media is rampant with myths about how women are gold diggers and how relationships are shallow. There’s certainly a slice of the population that falls into this category, but that slice is a lot smaller than you might think.

First and foremost, women want to be with a guy they can rely on and that has potential. This becomes apparent in what you do and what you say. You could still be a student – like in the prior example – yet have set goals and wants in your life. Or you could be a more mature guy who doesn’t know what he wants, who constantly takes the easy way out and makes shortcuts, and who always blames others for his misfortunes.

A woman will see this as cowardice and may lose respect for a man that lacks character and personality. As you’ll see in future chapters, women are looking for a man who’s decisive, who’s mastered his insecurities and who knows himself. Obviously, depending on the stage you’re at in your life, you may have achieved these or just parts of these characteristics. That’s why I keep repeating that you always need to strive to be the best you can be. She’ll end up accepting your imperfections if the main elements are present.

Warren was not a good-looking guy by regular standards. However, he was sure of himself, didn’t lose a single opportunity and showed the girls he was going out with a good time. It also helps that he had good manners and was a good kisser. He was able to attract the girls he wanted without a problem thanks to his personality and many girls were still chasing him even when he moved on to someone else. He had a way with women that many better-looking guys would love to learn. The key to his secret? Confidence and decisiveness. He wasn’t stuck on the fact that he wasn’t the most cute-looking guy. Instead, he showcased his real qualities and values. And he showed his manliness by taking the lead when necessary and being gentle with the girls when it was the right moment. He exhibited a balance between strength and sensitivity – something women can’t resist!

 

~ 5 ~         Boring and Cold

 

 

ON THE OTHER end of the spectrum is a guy who has a boring life: no hobbies, no friends, no passions. You add to it that he sends out an aura of coldness and you’ve met a man who will not look attractive to most women.

Jonathan was a nice guy. He was an engineer with a good job. However, he couldn’t hold a conversation about anything but his work. He was clueless about the world, politics, economy, fun places to go, family values and humor.

If you’re a guy with few interests, expand those. If you don’t have hobbies, find new ones. There’s so much out there these days: various sports clubs, the gym, hiking groups, travel groups, blogging, volunteering – you name it. It’s nearly impossible to not have an activity outside of work. So, take advantage of this. Don’t sit at home and watch TV with a beer. Expand your horizons. Every experience will add richness to your life. Strive to live a rich life!

 

~ 6 ~         Security

 

I AM NOT TALKING about security at an airport or an event. Neither am I discussing your home security system or a secure way to access the internet.

What I would like to pinpoint is the deep sense of security that all women are looking for in a man. Whether it’s physical or emotional security, a woman needs to feel comfortable in your presence and sense that she can count on you no matter what.

What this means is you should not turn your back when she or someone who’s with her is having trouble. If you’re the first one to run, then she will never feel secure with you. You don’t need to be Mr. Muscleman for her to feel safe. All you need to do is take initiative if the moment calls for it.

Whether it’s checking if the doors are locked,  investigating  a sound in the house, being wary of the stranger behind you, checking whether the restaurant you’re meeting her at is in a safe area or just walking her to her car, you cannot underestimate how much security and safety means to women. Men can walk the streets with little regard for danger. This is not the case for women. They constantly need to be on the lookout for suspicious men, cars, activity or areas. When you can add that extra level of vigilance while releasing her from the responsibility to always be looking out for her safety, you’ll score many, many points.

Michael had been dating Alice for a couple of months. One night, they were out with friends dining, and he asked if anyone had ever bought a taser for personal protection. They started a discussion and he explained that he wanted to buy one for Alice so that she would feel safe when she’s not with him.

While this is not the most common scenario, it is commendable of him to worry about her safety and to express it. Even if it seems like overkill for many people, she did appreciate his concern.

Other ways of making her feel safe are by walking on the outer side of the sidewalk, protecting her from traffic or bikers, and overall making sure she gets home safely by communicating. The gesture alone will get you far, so don’t underestimate this.

But safety and security are also important for women on many other levels outside of the physical.

A woman wants to know that she’ll feel emotionally secure with a man. This means that he needs to be open and non-judgmental of her and that she should feel comfortable in confiding in him. This sounds obvious, but it’s not as easy as one may think.

Finally, a woman wants to feel that you’ll be there for her needs, including on a sexual level. If everything is always about you and how you feel, she will not trust in your capability of satisfying her in the long run. And this is not just sexually, but also emotionally, physically and materially.

Speaking of which, when a woman is looking for a quality man, she wants to make sure he’s financially stable. This doesn’t mean she’s a gold digger or that he needs to be super rich. What it means is that she needs to feel safe in the idea that he’ll be able to provide for a future family and support her.

Security is at the top of the list for most women. That’s why they don’t like unstable men. Remember that.

 

~ 7 ~         Code of Ethics

 

YES, THERE IS such a thing as a strong code of ethics that a man needs to live and abide by. Whether it’s being honest, keeping your word, being reliable and responsible – it’s up to you to define what’s important and how you want to live your life.

Part of being a man is not going back on your words or actions, being honorable and driven. This list is not exhaustive. Instead, decide what values you want to live your life by and stick to them.

Seth and Andrea were at the beginning of a relationship. Andrea asked him to keep a secret for her and not to tell anyone. Seth replied that he only has one word. She felt reassured. But the real lesson is whether he kept this word. Many guys can say what a girl wants to hear, but not everyone will actually be truthful. Fortunately for Andrea, Seth kept his promise.

Another area where you can have a solid code of ethics is to never hurt anyone. To respect animals and nature. To be fair and responsible financially toward others. To be a loyal friend or boyfriend.

You choose how you want to live your life. But when a woman senses that you’re a man she can count on, she’ll stay with you. If, on the other hand, you show that you’re unreliable, unstable and untrustworthy, don’t count on any girl sticking around for long.

 

~ 8 ~         Tests, Tests, Tests

 

DON’T FALL into her trap! That’s the message of this chapter.

How do you not fall into the trap?

By not letting yourself be influenced into bad or unethical behavior. That’s the short answer.

To elaborate: women will test men in the early stages of dating and even later on. This is to find out if you’re a man of integrity and your word (see the prior chapter). As long as you’re acting in line with who you are and what your principles are, you’re good. If you start to deviate from your norm, THE norm or something you know is important to her, you just fell into her trap.

Take the following as an example.

Jessica was out and about with her boyfriend in a happening bar. There were a lot of sexy women around. So, she said to him: “Oh look, that girl is wearing one short and sexy dress!” Now, if Oliver were to respond, “Oh yeah… that is quite sexy,” he would fall right into her trap. Why? Because no girlfriend wants to know that her guy finds another woman sexy. His ‘safe’ response to her would have been: “Maybe, but she’s certainly not as sexy as you and she doesn’t have your pretty eyes. Plus, I’m sure you’re a lot …smarter, well-traveled, sportier (fill in the blanks)… than her.”

This statement makes her feel safe and secure in his appreciation of her and the fact that she’s unique in his eyes.

This was a relatively obvious example. However, there are many subtler ways she can test you.

She could see if you reimburse someone honestly for the money they gave you by challenging you that you could keep some. She could tell you that you don’t need to do a certain thing all that urgently, even though she’s asking you to. Then, you may want to not waste too much time before helping her out.

She could also propose to pay on the first date, while you should insist you do. She could have you clean or take care of another household item and see how you did.

Don’t become all insecure about those. You can’t be good at everything. No one can. Do your best and what makes sense at that time. You don’t want to be a pushover or someone who drops the ball. If she’s inviting you with her to negotiate the purchase of her car or a contract, make sure you don’t sit there silently just keeping her company. She’s looking for your input, so give it to her. Be there for her. It’s simpler than you might think.

But if she’s saying something that points in the direction of inciting you to behave in a dishonest, disrespectful or manipulative way, it’s time to stick to your guns and follow the straight path. You can even mention that your principles don’t allow you to stray from what’s right. Either she’s not a good girl, or she’s testing you. Stick to your code of ethics and you will prosper.

 

~ 9 ~         Fixation

 

LET’S SAY you’re a successful guy and you know what you want. You met this great girl and you have great chemistry with her. Your connection is slowly developing into a relationship.

But what happens all of a sudden? You’re so fixated on being a provider and excelling at your career that you start neglecting her. You don’t call as often as you can. You don’t always respond to her calls or messages. You’re always in a rush and don’t listen to her. You don’t romanticize her and take her to nice places. You don’t give her the emotional support you did before and you ignore her feelings.

It is understandable—multitasking is difficult. It’s easy to get absorbed in a project, a hobby or a job. But when this starts taking precedence over everything else, you risk losing your girl. She’ll go looking for someone who can give her the emotional food all women are looking for, the intimate conversations you’re not having anymore and the one-on-one time you used to spend. Don’t fall into this self-destructive pattern. Open your mind and see if you can be there not just for YOUR job, YOUR interests or YOUR problems. A relationship is about two people. Make it so!

When a woman starts feeling neglected or taken for granted, she’ll feel like she’s not important to you anymore, that’s she’s just there to support you or that you’re now settled into a routine and that’s that.

It’s a quality to be able to maintain strong focus, but it becomes a shortcoming when you don’t see anything else around you.

Greg was remodeling his condo. He became so focused on all the work, choices of paint and appliances, furniture and window coverings, that all his time after his day job was spent on that. Meanwhile, he was trying to date Angela. He took her with him to stores to pick materials and furniture, asked her for advice on colors and floor coverings and became so absorbed by his project that they never went out to dinner anymore, never took trips and never spent good quality time together. Everything was about his remodel, that is, until she left him.

Let this serve as a lesson that women are like a plant. If you don’t water them, they’ll wilt, and they’ll be gone in short order.

Denial

Some guys think that by not seeing the elephant in the room, it will disappear.

Whether you’re dating or in a relationship, denial is a kiss of death. Thinking that the problem will disappear if you never discuss it or avoid it is not just untrue. It will ruin your relationship eventually.

The best thing is to clarify any misunderstandings or issues up front. You don’t need to scream and shout. All you need is an honest conversation. Don’t underestimate your girl. If you’re honest and caring while you’re communicating something you’re unhappy with, she’ll more than likely happily comply. If you start criticizing and nitpicking, this will just create further discord.

Let’s say you’re bothered when Claire comes home after the gym all sweaty and then waits a couple hours before taking a shower. Not only does she smell bad, but she’s also rubbing her sweaty clothes on the furniture. While you don’t need to be obsessively clean, it’s okay to ask her to either take a shower right away or at least not to keep wearing these clothes. The important thing is to do it gently. Say something of the sort: “Honey, while I like/love you a lot and think you’re the sexiest woman around, I rather have you not rub around with sweaty clothes after the gym on the couch and bed. You think you may be able to change the clothes out or take a shower right away when you get here?”

If you prefer something less direct, say it in a humorous way: “I LOOOOVE girls who rub their sweat all over my furniture. That’s soooo sexy.” This may be enough to attract her attention, with a smile. Hopefully this will start the conversation and you can both agree on how to rectify the problem.

Don’t let problems build up until they become giant issues and you’re both frustrated. Communication is paramount in any relationship and misunderstandings can often be cleared up almost immediately when both people are open and honest with each other.

 

~ 10 ~    Denial

 

SOME GUYS think that by not seeing the elephant in the room, it will disappear.

Whether you’re dating or in a relationship, denial is a kiss of death. Thinking that the problem will disappear if you never discuss it or avoid it is not just untrue. It will ruin your relationship eventually.

The best thing is to clarify any misunderstandings or issues up front. You don’t need to scream and shout. All you need is an honest conversation. Don’t underestimate your girl. If you’re honest and caring while you’re communicating something you’re unhappy with, she’ll more than likely happily comply. If you start criticizing and nitpicking, this will just create further discord.

Let’s say you’re bothered when Claire comes home after the gym all sweaty and then waits a couple hours before taking a shower. Not only does she smell bad, but she’s also rubbing her sweaty clothes on the furniture. While you don’t need to be obsessively clean, it’s okay to ask her to either take a shower right away or at least not to keep wearing these clothes. The important thing is to do it gently. Say something of the sort: “Honey, while I like/love you a lot and think you’re the sexiest woman around, I rather have you not rub around with sweaty clothes after the gym on the couch and bed. You think you may be able to change the clothes out or take a shower right away when you get here?”

If you prefer something less direct, say it in a humorous way: “I LOOOOVE girls who rub their sweat all over my furniture. That’s soooo sexy.” This may be enough to attract her attention, with a smile. Hopefully this will start the conversation and you can both agree on how to rectify the problem.

Don’t let problems build up until they become giant issues and you’re both frustrated. Communication is paramount in any relationship and misunderstandings can often be cleared up almost immediately when both people are open and honest with each other.

 

~ 11 ~    Considerations

 

WHILE WOMEN like it when men take the lead in planning a date, they still want to be heard when they express a preference for something over another thing.

It’s one thing to lead, but when you’re not paying attention to a preference a woman has expressed, you come off as inconsiderate and self-centered. This may be obvious to some, but you’d be surprised how often guys make that mistake.

 

For example, Lisa had a date with a man who took her out to the movies, followed by dinner. However, he hadn’t really thought through the dinner plans and wasn’t familiar with the area. When the movie was finished, he said he wasn’t hungry, while she admitted that she was rather hungry as her lunch had been quite early in the day.

So, they started walking around trying to find a place. She didn’t know that area very well either, but she did know a couple of places. She pointed out a restaurant she had once been to before that she liked. He suggested they venture further onto another street. Once they were on the main street, she saw a Japanese fondue place, which sounded original to her, so she proposed to try that one.  He bluntly said, “No, let’s go look for something else” (the guy is not poor, so he can afford such a place in case it turns out to be pricey). Then, they came across a deli-style restaurant and he suggested they go there.

Being polite that she is, she agreed, even though the place didn’t look very clean. But it seemed to have a variety of items on the menu that she could order, so she figured it would be ok.

Their dinner turned out to be the worst they had ever eaten. They barely touched their plates, and the restaurant refused to comp the meals.

When they got outside, he said that he needed a cup of coffee to flush through the bad taste. She also felt that way. They just passed an intersection with her favorite dessert and coffee place, which was full of people—so that must’ve been a good sign. She suggested they go there. He again refused and kept walking a long way till the street had no more places to go. Then, they stumbled upon an old bar-restaurant and he decided they go there. It was hot inside and packed with people. The decor was old and worn-down. Her preference would have been for the cleaner and more modern place she had thought of earlier.

 

As you can tell from the story, the guy made several mistakes. He didn’t make any specific dinner plans because HE wasn’t hungry, ignoring the fact that she may be. He refused to go to the first place she suggested. He ignored her fondue suggestion and picked a bad place (which may of course be a coincidence). Then he ignored her coffee place suggestion too and took her to a less appealing bar. In the next chapter, I’ll tell you what other things he did wrong as well.

But as you can see, being ignored several times and for no particular reason, he immediately gave the impression that he was selfish, inconsiderate and controlling. This left her with a bad feeling of not being heard.  And to top it off, the places he did eventually choose were quite bad.

When you’re out and about with a woman, you need to keep in mind what she desires. You can lead, that’s definitely important. But, you can either give her a choice of places to go or listen to her when she makes a suggestion. Otherwise, you run the risk of being inconsiderate and you become responsible if the decision turns out poorly.

 

 

~ 12 ~    Too Fast, Too Soon

 

MANY A WOMAN in her lifetime has heard from guys they dated that the relationship went “too fast, too soon,” but what many guys don’t know is that it can be quite true for women too.

I am not referring here to having sex on the third date or being passionate with each other.

What I am talking about is being too pushy and insistent about intimacy.

 

Going back to the previous example, Patrick, the guy who went to the movies and then had a (bad) dinner with Lisa, tried kissing her goodbye. But instead of giving one or even two short kisses on the lips, he insisted they French kiss, trying to shove his tongue in her mouth.

If he had been more observant, he would’ve noticed she wasn’t quite at that stage of intimacy yet.

But what’s worse, by insisting on it and saying things like “Come on, let’s kiss,” and pulling her closer to him against her will was a very bad move. They were in the middle of a large street with lots of people around, and his pushiness made her very uncomfortable. Again, it’s one thing to take the lead, but it’s another to impose your will on a woman. And this is especially true when it comes down to the physical aspect of a relationship.

Lisa ended up pulling away even more strongly from him, telling him she wasn’t quite ready yet, and quickly walked away. She couldn’t get away fast enough from this guy, even though originally she had liked her date with him. But the accumulation of faux-pas on his part and to top it off, his insistence on French kissing with her in the middle of the street, completely turned her off.

 

Don’t make the mistake of being too pushy or too insistent with a woman. Make sure you learn how to gauge her desire to take things further.

Many guys assume that because they took a girl to a nice restaurant or did something else nice for her, that automatically this will lead to more physical contact, as if she now owes it to them. Not true. Women don’t want to be viewed as objects and don’t like being pressured into something they might not want or might not be ready for yet. If you’re coming on too strong, too needy or too insistent, you will push her away.

Think how you would react if roles were reversed. Men often don’t like a woman who pushes or pressures them. Well, the same is with women. You need to leave her enough space to be able to get closer to you on her own terms. This is how a girl will start liking you: by spending time with you, by feeling more comfortable in your presence, by trusting you more and more, and by having enough space to be herself and to decide about her body.

 

 

~ 13 ~    Give and Take

 

TODAY, I WOULD say about 80% of men hook up with women for selfish reasons. They either want to have sex but pretend they’re serious, or they may have more serious intentions, but are looking for someone who can fulfill some of their selfish needs.

For example, guys might want a girl who caters to them and is easily controlled, or they like a woman who boosts their ego by telling them how wonderful they are, or they want to show off a pretty girl to their friends and just have hot sex with her. Even those who think they’re looking for a relationship often mistake what it means to be in one. They fall for the wrong girl and for the wrong reasons. This probably explains why so many relationships don’t work out in the end. It’s not to say that women don’t make mistakes—they do.

The point of being with someone is to GIVE to that person. Whether it’s affection, protection, security or love, anyone—whether a man or a woman— needs to go into it with the goal of giving. This is the only way you will be open to the other person and you will welcome her into your life the way it should be.

Our society and upbringing has taught us to focus on the wrong things. We’ve become superficial. Looks, money, extravertedness and sex are what people seem to be focusing on. And when one looks for these things, it becomes a relationship of TAKING: “What’s in it for me? Is she the best I could do? Do I need to show off to my buddies how well I can do? Is she subservient enough? Does she stroke my ego enough? Does she take care of me and my needs? Does she cook and clean for me? Does she not spend too much money, or is she independent enough so that I don’t have to pay for her?”

The list goes on, but as you can see it’s all about ME, ME, ME. The mindset is not about: “What can I bring to this person’s life? How can I help her? How can I make her happy? How can I show this girl that I’m worth her time and attention? How can I make the world a better place?”

See the difference?

You have a much bigger chance in succeeding with women when you’re going in with a giving mindset. Sure, everyone has requirements. But if you’ve already decided to go out with her, doesn’t it mean that she fits your description already? Then it’s time to go in with an open mind and see how you can contribute to HER life.

What you’ll be surprised to find is that she’ll be so grateful that she’ll return the favor to you tenfold. Yes, you’ll be very different from the tons of guys she’s met who are only looking for one thing. Treat her like a lady, show that you respect her, be generous and protective. Be open with who you are and your emotions.

I know you’re ready to say: “But, then some girls will take advantage of me! Or, I’ll become a doormat!”

Not true. When I say GIVE, I don’t mean you’re doing everything for her without her reciprocating. You do need to watch for signs that she’s in it for the right reasons and after several dates she needs to reciprocate a bit too. But the process may be slower than you’re used to. However, in the end, it will be a lot more rewarding. Going in with a giving mindset means that you’re trying to meet the person for the right reasons, to enhance her life and in return to get yours enhanced. When all you have are the wrong, selfish reasons, you’ll see in later chapters that you’re prone to be taken advantage of and pay a high price for some scant selfish satisfaction.

Be open and be giving. You’ll be surprised how quickly the girl will give you even more in return. Both of you will feel a lot better about being together. This is the law of attraction.

 

~ 14 ~    Partners in Crime

 

WOMEN LIKE men who lead. But they also like men who listen to them and who take their opinion into consideration. They don’t like control and they like being able to provide input as an equal partner.

When talking about leading, what it means is that they want a man to be a man. This is especially true in the early stages of dating, when the guy is supposed to take her out: show her a good time and be creative with the dates.

Unfortunately, some guys misinterpret this as imposing their will ALL THE TIME, trying to control the girl and the relationship, and not giving in when the situation calls for it.

Assuming that your girl needs to cater to you, always needs to let you be right or win an argument, always has to be there for your needs, but not for hers, expecting her to drive to meet you where it’s convenient for you but not necessarily for her, and making larger decisions without her input—all these behaviors will make her feel devalued and disrespected.

Sure, there are aspects in which men typically excel. But that doesn’t mean you need to ignore her opinion on matters that relate to both of you, and it may even be nice to listen to some of her advice when it’s something concerning just you.

Don’t say things like: “It’s my business,” cutting her off, or “You’re not my mother,” or “What makes you think that you know better,” or “It’s my stuff—I decide,” or “I’m the man, so I’m making this decision.”

Of course, as with everything, there are limits, and as much as you want your girl’s input, you also don’t want her to impose her ways on you all the time or walk all over you. That’s why cultivating healthy boundaries is important, but without brutalizing or diminishing the other person.

As a matter of fact, you can make her feel special and important to you by asking her: “What do you think about this,” or “I’d love your opinion,” or “Since we’re together, I’d like your input on this,” or “Where would my sexy lady like to take our next trip together?”

She’ll feel immediately included and this will make her feel good. People stay with their partners because they make them feel good, not when they’re being treated poorly.

You can weave a compliment in there and it will immediately brighten her day. You’ll also earn extra points to bring you two closer. Make it a win-win for both!

 

~ 15 ~    Competitiveness

 

I KNOW: MEN are wired for being competitive. From the moment boys start growing up, they’re sent to practice in competitive sports, trying to outdo their friends at school, and later are pressured to get the sexiest girl in class.

That’s all fine, as these are manly activities and it creates character.

However, when you’re competitive with the girl you’re with, not only will you be stressing yourself, but you’ll also show an aggressiveness to her that she doesn’t really care to see.

You see, it’s good when men have some character and ambition. This makes women feel protected. But when guys start using it against their own girls (or even other women), it makes them come off as jerks.

It’s okay to win when you’re having fun and joking about it. It’s even okay to win when it’s clear you’re a lot better at something, such as a sport (though you’d be an even bigger gentleman if you let her win once in a while in a gentle way).

When you’re trying to win at any price and start taking things too seriously, you’ve lost at your game! Don’t take things so seriously that the fun is gone. It will be a lose-lose situation for both of you, and you don’t want that. Know when to win your battles—and when to lose them.

This also applies when you’re having an argument. If you always insist on being right and discredit what she says, you will lose in the end. There’s only so much you can impose on a person before she’ll walk away. And walk she will.

Also, when you’re constantly being competitive, it sends a signal of insecurity. A guy who’s confident in himself will let the girl win occasionally, even if he’s better at, say, a sport. He’ll also admit his mistakes or when he’s wrong. Swallow your pride and look at the end goal: do you want to be with that person? If you do, drop the competitive edge and just be human. You will both be happy for that.

 

~ 16 ~    So Mysterious

 

SOMETIMES MEN, especially insecure ones, think that dangling a carrot in front of the woman they desire will make her want him more and will have her come back for more.

They try to act mysterious, telling her things such as: “I’ll tell you later,” or “I’ll do this the next time we see each other.”

This is a mistake. Not only does it show that you’re desperately trying to manipulate her into seeing you again, but you’re also coming off as dishonest and insecure. Most women find this kind of mystery plainly stupid. And it’s even worse when the guy wants to know everything about her but remains elusive about himself. That screams “double standard” for most women.

 

Marissa met Tom at an event and he asked her out. During the date, they talked about where she lives, and she told him in a small house. She was also nice enough to pick him up at the train station, knowing that otherwise he’d need to find some other means of transportation to their meeting place. Things went relatively well.

But then she also wanted to know about him, especially because he kept talking about his sick mom. So, she asked if he lived together with his mom to help her out. “Hell no,” he said.

“So, you live in a house or a condo by yourself?” she continued.

“Yes, I have a roof over my head,” was his answer. She didn’t insist.

As the date progressed and they walked through the parking lot to her car, so that she could drop him off at the train station, he slowed down, looking at a couple of cars.

He mumbled something of the sort: “I like cars, so I was looking at one I had liked before.”

“Ah,” she said. “Were you considering buying this car?” pointing to the one that he seemed to be looking at.

“No, not this one,” he answered.

“So, what kind of car do you drive?” she asked.

“One that has four wheels and a steering wheel,” he answered.

 

Maybe he thought he would sound cool, or he was trying to be mysterious, or he thought that if he told her he was driving an expensive car, she would be interested in him financially. But whatever the reason, this persistent mystery turned her off. After all, she too was financially stable, and she wasn’t trying to play games or be mysterious. She felt it was quite assuming for him to think that he’s for sure materially better off than her and so needs to protect himself. If anything, she’s the one who should be more worried.

And what if he was driving a cheap car? Well, she would have been okay with that too. She really didn’t care all that much, but wanted to have a conversation with him, since he seemed to be interested in cars. Plus, she had openly picked him up and brought him back. The least he could do is be as open in return with her. She was disappointed.

Marissa decided to give him another chance but promised herself that she’d be paying close attention to stuff like that. If he kept being all secretive about silly things, she would walk away.

 

The moral of the story is that there needs to be equal sharing of information. Don’t be the one asking all the questions but avoiding answering hers. It’s about give and take, so it needs to be on an even keel for both of you. Once you try to be secretive, you’re showing her that you have a higher esteem for yourself than for her. This does not create more interest on her part. Instead, it creates more suspicion as to why you might be hiding things. This will chip away at any trust she might have started building with you. Don’t do it.

 

~ 17 ~    Transactional Business

 

WITH TODAY’S EASE of access to dating sites and choices of available men and women having become nearly a commodity, it’s easy to think that you can find a woman just at the click of a button. Whether you’re on Match, Tinder or any other dating site, it’s nearly the same as ordering a burger at a McDonald’s. And I do think the sites have made it easier for people to meet and mingle.

However, what’s paramount to remember is that you’re still dealing with humans. Women are sensitive creatures and as such, you cannot treat them as a commodity that you can use and throw away. Even if your goal is casual dating, you still need to treat them with respect and courtesy.

If you want to take someone out to dinner and then expect sex with no emotional strings attached, you can just as well use a prostitute.

When you’re dealing with women, drop the attitude that they’re disposable and there to fulfill your needs. The easiest way is to be honest and treat your girl right. And don’t get mad if she talks feelings, or other emotions come into play. Always remember, if you were in her shoes, how would you like to be treated?

 

John divorced his wife about two years ago. Being a successful businessman, he felt that the field was wide open to meet many women and he thought that most of them were going to be at his feet.

As a result, he felt he could get away with minimal effort. While he made a lot of money, he wasn’t willing to spend much on his dates. So, when he asked Angela out for their first date, he made reservations at a small Italian place near his beautiful condo, so that he conveniently could take her there and show off what kind of promising knight he was.

After their rushed dinner, he invited her over under the pretense he was going to show her videos he had made of his family trips—that, by the way, included his ex-wife, another no-no.

Angela went along even though she didn’t feel comfortable going into a stranger’s home on the first date. After having watched a couple of his video clips, she politely said she’ll go back home. However, exiting his building, she concluded that he was trying to show off his riches. Being a career woman who was quite independent, this didn’t impress her. On the contrary, the obviousness of the move repulsed her a bit. She said to herself that she isn’t all that interested in him as he didn’t send off a vibe of someone with serious intentions. So, she decided that if and when he called her for another date, maybe she’d give him another chance. But otherwise, she didn’t really care to pursue anything with this man.

A week or two later, he indeed texted her (he didn’t call, which would be the preferred way of setting a second date) and said he’d cook for her. She answered that she would prefer to go to a public place as cooking was too soon.

After that response, he disappeared for a while. And then another week later, he said that he was available the next day to cook.

Angela was surprised that he had ignored her request. She once again proposed to meet in a restaurant, but he said that he was not a weirdo and that she shouldn’t be afraid. He pretty much didn’t leave her a choice, so she ended up agreeing.

When she arrived at his place the next day, he had barely returned from work. He was still dressed in his suit and quickly threw together a dinner made from frozen ingredients and some remains from a prior day that he warmed up.

This may appear shocking to some, but yes, men like that exist. This was the second time that he disappointed her. After the dinner, she politely said she had to leave and walked out his door with the thought of never wanting to see this man again.

 

The moral of the story? Put in a bit of effort when you’re meeting a woman. It doesn’t matter whether you’re out there to have casual sex or are looking for something more serious. You need to show your girl that you find your time with her special and are willing to make her feel comfortable so that she would want to spend more time with you. A quality man usually makes sure to create quality time with the woman he’s interested in.

You might ask: “Why bother putting in effort if you know it’s not something that will last?” My answer is the same: you’re dealing with another human being, someone who already may have been dumped and manipulated; if you wouldn’t want to be treated this way, then don’t treat the other person that way. Even if it’s just one date, be proud about how you treat women. This kind of behavior will be felt by women you encounter, so even if you think that another girl won’t know how you treated the prior one, that’s most likely not entirely true. Remember, women are very intuitive, and they’ll pick up quickly on how you treat them. No woman wants to be used, especially by a well-off guy who’s showing off his riches but wouldn’t go the extra mile for her.

 

 

~ 18 ~    Critical and Demanding

 

WE ALL HAVE DREAMS and desires of what we want in a partner. Some men place many conditions on the woman they want to end up with, while nearly completely ignoring whether what they have to offer will fit the woman’s bill.

Because they feel superior, they allow themselves to be overly critical in some situations and can even belittle their date without realizing this.

It’s always good to ask yourself whether your inflated ego is well deserved and why you think you are superior to others. Is it because you’re so insecure inside that you need to portray a different image of yourself? Is it because you’ve been successful in life, so you think everyone owes it to you?

Be careful about letting your ego lead in relationships. Humility is a much better ally. When you’re more humble and discreet, it makes the other person want to learn more about you, to discover more about who you are, what you do and where you come from. If you lay it all out on the table for others to see, you will come off as showy and arrogant.

And if you think it’s okay to criticize a woman you’re on a date with, or worse, if this is part of your personality, think twice about whether it’s worth behaving that way.

 

Eric was on a second date with Nancy. They were walking in the city toward the restaurant he had reserved and suddenly, without much context, he told Nancy that she was stubborn.

She was reasonably surprised about this because no one had ever told her that and she wasn’t sure what justified him mentioning it. But she decided to drop it, while making a note in her article of negative points about the guy.

Then, at the restaurant, she asked to return a steak because it was undercooked, and she had requested it to be well done. Eric looked at her as if she was a high-maintenance girl and said that she was difficult.

She began to feel very uncomfortable but finished the dinner with him. As they walked out of the restaurant, he grabbed her hand.

While normally this would’ve been fun, she felt how his palm was all moist and sweaty and mentioned it to him all jokingly, while pulling away her hand.

His response was: “Well, that’s the way I am.”

 

What do you think her opinion was of him? A stubborn, judgmental and critical man, who doesn’t accept anything about his date but when on the opposite end of it, he expects her to accept everything about him under the motto of “that’s the way he is.”

Angela was disgusted enough by this man to not want to go out with him on any more dates.

Was this truly worth it? Did he think that by imposing his ways while criticizing her would score him points?

Nope. And I wouldn’t bet on the fact that he learned his lesson either.

Next!

 

 

~ 19 ~    The Way I Am

 

WHETHER IT’S FROM a place of insecurity, machismo or stubbornness, some men think they need to disclose to the woman some of their quirks early on, and if she questions them on a certain behavior or attitude they have, to tell her that, “That’s the way I am,” and basically you take it or leave it.

Big mistake!

Sure, everyone wants to be accepted for who they are, warts and all. But this is not the time or place to say it (if ever), let alone the attitude to have with a woman you desire.

For some reason, some men think that by disclosing bad things about themselves upfront, it will somehow exonerate them from a portion of the normal responsibility of being with someone.

 

In the previous example, Eric, thought that by saying that his hands were sweaty and that’s the way he was, this would send the message to the girl that she needs to accept him, even if his hands were grossing her out. Wrong move!

Especially with something like that, fixing the issue is not that hard. There are plenty of products on the market that can help with sweaty hands. Expecting someone to deal with it is a completely misplaced strategy. It sends the message that you’re the one who’s stubborn and that you don’t care at all about the feelings of the other person.

If Eric thought that this would somehow make him the leader and prove his masculinity, he was completely wrong. It pushed the girl away and showed her how inflexible and insensitive he was.

 

So, don’t ever be uncompromising when it comes to your shortcomings. Everyone is the way he or she is. This is not the point of relationships. When you say that, it sends the message that it’s either your way or the highway. It shows that you are not willing to compromise, can’t place yourself in the other person’s shoes and are too set in your ways.

When women go out with a man, they’ll watch his personality. While you may be fixated on her beautiful face, body or boobs, she’s observing your behavior and what you say. She does not want to be with a man who’s a hardcore bachelor and set in his ways. Above all, she does not want to cater to him all the time.

When a woman looks at a man, she’s evaluating his dating and relationship potential. This includes whether it’s someone who will not be controlling, who will work on any issues that may arise and who will not expect her to bend to all his wishes. Be that man!

 

 

~ 20 ~    Sore Loser

 

EVERYONE GETS dumped. That’s just part of being single and out in the dating world. Women get manipulated and dumped every day, and for most of them, they handle it on their own.

But there are guys who really are sore losers. They send bitter responses, or worse, become insulting and nasty when broken up with. Don’t be that guy.

It doesn’t have to be anything extreme. Even a small hint of bitterness can send the message that she’d be better off without you.

 

Allan and Rebecca went on five dates, but Rebecca found enough inconsistencies and incompatibilities with Allan to call it quits.

Since he was nice enough on prior dates, she didn’t want to be rude and just disappear. So out of respect for him, she sent him the following text message:

“Hi Allan. Thank you so much for all the dates, they were fun. However, I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t think we’re compatible. I hope you understand and we can remain friends. Have a great day, Rebecca.”

She didn’t hear from him that day and figured that’s the way he’s dealing with it.

But the next day she got a text back: “Hi Rebecca. No worries at all. Don’t worry about it and it’s fine. There are plenty of women out there who are interested in me anyways. Best, Allan.”

 

Now, you may say this is an okay response. But it is not. The fact that he’s putting in his text that plenty of women are into him is condescending, bitter and arrogant.

If you’re on the losing end of a relationship, do it with class and keep your head high. It may not seem like it’s worth it, but it will be for the overall reputation you want to have. Women talk fast, and any bitterness will spread quickly among girlfriends. You’d be surprised how fast women in singles’ circles will have an opinion about you. So, for the sake of your reputation, keep your honor and tell yourself that indeed, there are plenty of fish in the ocean—just don’t say it out loud.

 

~ 21 ~    I Am So Successful

 

TODAY’S SOCIETY praises those who are ambitious and successful. Type-A personalities are favored in the workforce and it seems that if you scream the loudest, are the most extroverted and energetic, then you’ll be the one to get all the girls.

Sure, the loud guys are more visible. But they also end up with no one, because women consider them arrogant and show-offs.

If, like in the example with John showing off his luxury condo, you’re trying to impress the girl with your riches right away, you’ll only attract gold diggers.

A quality man does not show off his riches or success in an obvious way. He’s more understated, letting the woman see for herself where he stands. He doesn’t feel the need to prove himself to her, because he’s already proven himself to himself. His success is part of who he is, and he doesn’t need to advertise it.

Or, if he’s not so successful, he’s not trying to show that he has more or is more than what he is. He’s comfortable with where he is and where he’s going, and he doesn’t depend on what others think. That’s why he doesn’t feel the need to justify his position to a woman.

When a man tries to impress a girl with his riches or success, it will send her the signal that something else might be missing and he’s trying to overcompensate with that. It is usually a turnoff.

The fact that you’re classy and successful will speak for itself in the way you carry yourself, how you speak, what you think about women, how much information you disclose up front, how interested you are in her and what she does, your manners and the type of dates you organize. Focus on that and it won’t matter to your girl how successful or not you are. She’ll appreciate the attention you’re bringing to your date and how special you make her feel. This will prove to be a lot more successful than your professional success.

 

A good example of how not to show off your success is the story of Peter and Alicia. Peter was a successful private airplane pilot. But when he met Alicia, he wanted to put all his chances on his side and did not disclose his profession off the bat.

Yes, he was making good money, but pilots also have the reputation of being womanizers. He didn’t want anything to come in between him and Alicia. So, he did not talk about it at all and only told her about his profession after she asked.

Later on, when they were seriously dating, she inquired why he hadn’t mentioned this information off the bat. And he honestly responded that he didn’t want the reputation of pilots to precede him.

She not only appreciated the fact that she got to know him better before finding out, but she also liked that he hadn’t been so forthcoming, touting his job and achievements. Peter scored a lot of extra points with Alicia by being more understated than he could have been.

 

~ 22 ~    Condescending

 

ANOTHER PROBLEM some men have is assuming that they are smarter than the woman they are with.

This is something that she’ll sense even if you don’t say it outright. That’s why it’s paramount not to cultivate this kind of thinking.

It can be especially true when there is a substantial difference in age and the man may be of an older generation. It used to be that women didn’t have access to education and didn’t work, which gave men the advantage of showing off their skills and impressing women.

But times have changed. These days, men are used to women being their bosses, having multiple degrees, having careers and being up to date with world events.

You can never assume you’re smarter than a woman, regardless of her looks or other preconceived notions.

 

Ray worked in a bank. One evening, when he went to a social gathering, he approached a beautiful blonde. He put on a nice smile and started a conversation with her.

Pretty quickly, he disclosed that he was a banker.

It happened to be that the beautiful blonde—her name was Nora—was also working in finance. Here’s how their dialog went:

 

Ray: “I work for a bank.”

Nora: “Ah, which one?”

Ray: “Oh, you wouldn’t know.”

Nora: “Try me, I’m in finance too.”

Ray: “It’s SVB”

Nora: “Ah, I’m not familiar with it. What does it stand for?”

Ray: “You’re in finance and you don’t know? It’s Silicon Valley Bank”

Nora: “Oh yes, now that you said the full name… I do know it. I just didn’t know               its abbreviation.”

Ray: “And what do YOU do in finance?”

Nora: “I used to work in money management, but now I write financial reports as a consultant.”

“Ah!” said Ray, with suspicion in his voice. “And what do you write about?”

Nora responded, having noticed his disbelief: “I write about stocks, bonds, mutual funds and private investments.” She could sense his disbelief as he fell silent. Becoming annoyed with his reaction and lack of enthusiasm for the fact that he may have met his equal or at least someone who knows the world he works in, Nora asked him: “And I have a CFA designation! What about you, do you have one?”

(CFA is a very high-profile designation in finance)

Ray didn’t know what to say, remaining with his mouth open for a few seconds. He then mumbled, “No, I don’t” and turned away rudely, clearly shocked by the revelation and by the fact that he totally underestimated her. For the rest of the night, he did not speak a word to her, while she felt happy to stand her own to possibly yet another sexist jerk from finance.

 

This is how women think! You don’t want to look ridiculous, sexist or superior. So, abstain from making patronizing remarks, giving off condescending vibes or thinking you’re better than the women you meet. She may have been a great girl, but Ray will never know because he ruined his chances from the first few minutes of conversation.

 

Another instance is when an older man may start explaining obvious things to the woman he’s with. His underlying assumption is that she doesn’t know and since he’s older and more experienced, he ought to know better than her. Again, don’t underestimate women and don’t compete with them. You’re much better off finding common ground and talking about stuff with the assumption that she does know. And if she doesn’t, then she’ll ask or move on to another subject.

 

Another mistake would be to overly explain something that she has a great deal of knowledge in already. This can run you the risk of sounding pedantic, elementary, and even ridiculous if you don’t entirely understand what you’re talking about.

It’s much better to stick to what you know and admit when you don’t know something. Admitting, being honest and not being afraid to be vulnerable doesn’t show weakness to women – it shows strength!

Sure, when men are in male company, they tend to hide their weaknesses because that’s how they’re judged by their peers. However, you need to be aware that this is not the case when you’re dealing with women. Showing your feelings, vulnerable spots and sensitivities is not a weakness to women. Women are tired of dating the “all-macho” guys who are out of touch with their emotions. They want to see sensitivity and caring sides of a man. That’s also what makes a man balanced and emotionally mature.

Going back to trying to impress a woman, I would say you need to find a partner on your intellectual and emotional level. This will guarantee that you’ll have a lot more in common and you’ll build a connection much faster. Trying to be someone you’re not to connect with a woman who is not suitable for you is a recipe for disaster in the long run. Don’t sabotage your own chances. Cultivate your internal you and she’ll appreciate it that much more.
 

~ 23 ~    Double Standard #1

 

IF YOU’VE BEEN single for a long time, you’ve likely built a list in your head about what kind of woman you’d like to be with. You have a physical description and a series of attributes you’d like her to have.

But have you thought through exactly what YOU have to offer a woman? Have you asked yourself what strong points you have? And what your weaknesses are?

Often, guys who’ve been on their own for a long time have built a fictional world around them, with the image of their ideal woman completely removed from real-world women. So often, these men don’t realize that a big chunk of what they’re projecting about their ideal woman doesn’t exist.

What’s worse, some may actually be looking for such perfection without questioning what they have to offer. Ask yourself very clearly: “What can you give to a woman? What qualities do women look for in a man? How can I improve on my personality or life or attitude to attract the right girl?”

It’s important to once in a while stand still and review who you are. It’s not that you need to be overly critical of yourself, but you do need to challenge yourself to see things for what they are. Nothing annoys women more than when they see a double standard between what a guy wants and who he is.

 

If you’re a big, overweight guy and you’d like to be with the latest beauty pageant girl, you’re not being realistic.

If you’re sloppy, lazy and poor, it may be best to get your life in order prior to looking for your soul mate. Alternatively, look for a girl on your level. Don’t look for a degreed and successful career woman. No woman wants to be with a guy she needs to take care of, clean up after and constantly push to motivate.

As mentioned before, when there’s too big of a mismatch between the woman you’re pursuing and your overall persona, she’ll start wondering why you’re doing that. At that point, you risk being made fun of, ridiculed or plainly dismissed. She’ll also consider you arrogant and pretentious, as it will send her the signal you’re overly confident about getting someone who’s clearly out of your league. So, unless you have something very special to offer her that can offset your lack of a match with her, I would advise to stay away.

 

~ 24 ~    Double Standard #2

 

THE PURITAN culture in the U.S. has pushed men and women to behave in artificial ways. Because of this, a lot of lying and game playing takes place and people have a really difficult time connecting in a genuine and honest way.

Men lie and pretend that they have serious intentions while they only want to have sex and score in front of their guy friends. Women pretend they don’t want any relationship while in reality they do.

Because of this, the roles have reversed. People hook up for the wrong reasons, and many guys lead girls on just to dump them later. Many women jump into bed thinking and hoping this will commit the guy, while often the opposite happens.

You need to know that this is mostly a U.S. phenomenon. While men worldwide have their ways of getting a woman, it’s mostly in the U.S. that men will consider a girl who spent the night with them as an easy lay and thus not relationship material.

I say: stop being so hypocritical and take life as it comes. You want to be respected by women no matter what you do, right? You want to be treated well no matter your shortcomings and weaknesses, right?

Well, here’s a newsflash: women want that too. Women are tired of being disrespected, objectified and tossed away. Women consider themselves to be as free as men to date who they want, to jump into bed with whom they want and to pursue their dreams the way they want.

It’s not because you had hot sex with a girl that she’s a slut. And if she is, then that makes you one as well! Dismissing someone as an easy lay but thinking that it’s okay for you to be one is NOT okay.

In Europe, many relationships start off with one-night stands. Men and women hook up, they feel chemistry, a strong connection and there they go: they give a relationship a try. They don’t need to lie and cheat, pretend to be someone else or place judgment on their partner.

If you’ve met someone you clicked with, then give it a try, whether you’ve had quick sex or not. Don’t judge a girl only by your first impression or by what she says. Give it more time and see what kind of person she is. If you feel connected to her then why convincing yourself otherwise? Let your heart speak, not your brain!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~ 25 ~    Rational Irrational

 

RELATIONSHIPS between people are by definition irrational. Many guys try to apply logic and reason when building, explaining or fixing a relationship with someone. That’s the wrong way to go about it.

Yes, you have a brain. You may be smart and successful. You’ve always made good work decisions thanks to your skills; you’re well versed and educated. Whatever your level, however, most of the time you cannot solve illogical or irrational elements in a relationship by applying logic and reason. This is just not the way the world turns.

Using these skills at work or in other practical areas of your life may be a great thing, but when you’re trying to impose brainiac logic on a woman or a relationship, you’re off in the wrong direction. Relationships are all about feelings, respect, openness, understanding and unconditional love. Even if you’re just dating someone, rationality won’t get you there. You’ll need to tap into your heart and look from a different perspective to understand women and what ticks them.

 

Steve was an engineer. He had a good job, nice friends and came from a good home. He was also a nice person with a good heart. But when he had an argument with his girlfriend Monica, he would always shoot down any of her feelings she would share with him and apply rational thinking to resolve their issues.

Because of this, Monica felt that she was not understood and that she couldn’t count on him to be sensitive enough to her side of the story and her issues. She also felt there was a lack of real communication between them as she could never explain herself fully and feel that he understood her. Every time she would bring something up he would say she was too emotional. Instead, he resolved to applying the same logic he used at work and fix things his way. Needless to say, this didn’t work.

One day, she called him a “robot.” He got mad and stormed out.

For her birthdays, instead of bringing flowers, he’d give her electronic games, practical kitchen items and sporty goods.

Unfortunately for him, he didn’t realize that what she was looking for was someone she could confide in, someone who would accept that she’s a woman and has a different way of processing things, and someone who badly longed for some romanticism and gentle words from her boyfriend.

This relationship did not last.

 

This is only one example of how applying logic does not work when you’re with a woman. That’s why it’s paramount that you learn as much as you can about women, their desires and sensitivities. Realize that you’re both different and embrace this instead of trying to impose your views. This is the only way you’ll be able to build a harmonious rapport with women.

 

~ 26 ~    Dressing the Princess

 

YOU’VE MET your dream girl and you’re so excited about your compatibility and what a great catch she is that you’ve decided to take her out shopping.

You’re already imagining her all dressed in cool clothes and know that this will earn you many points as you know she’s financially not as well off as you are.

While you walk down your favorite shopping street, you pull her into one of your preferred stores. They sell upscale jeans, pants, sweaters, boots and shirts. While you’re looking around, you find several items that you think she’ll look great in. You grab a few for her to try. She tries them on and you find that they fit her perfectly. You’re proud of yourself and how well you could gauge her size. You say that you’ll get those for her.

Next, you’re arriving home (yours or hers) and you say that she should wear the clothes right away. She puts them on and off you go, showing her off in public places and restaurants.

 

This scenario sounds great, doesn’t it?

It’s almost great, except for the fact that the style of clothing you bought for her isn’t her style at all. She’s a very feminine girl who usually wears skirts and sexy tops. But you’ve dressed her in some fantasy image of yours in jeans, a shirt and a jacket that make her look rather like a boy or a rebel on a motorbike. She didn’t want to hurt your feelings, so she didn’t say no. But it’s not her style and if she weren’t with you, she’d never wear these clothes or spend money on them.

Instead of doing her a favor, you actually did her a disservice, trying to match her to your image of an ideal girlfriend. This is obviously something you need to avoid doing.

If you really would like to spend some money on her and buy her nice things, why not go with her to the store she likes and let her choose what she wants? Don’t put any pressure as to what she should get or what looks better on her. It’s okay to give your opinion on whether something fits her right or not, but you’d better abstain from trying to impose your style on her. After all, the point is to make her happy. And you won’t succeed in doing that if she walks out as someone other than she really is.

Another alternative is to give her a gift card for a store you know she likes. Whether you go there together or not is not as relevant as whether your gesture is a genuine maneuver to do something nice for her as opposed to fulfill some empty need you have. And by imposing things you like vs. what she likes, you also risk coming off as controlling. Women notice these things and you’d be sabotaging your relationship while thinking you’re being generous.

 

~ 27 ~    Desperate Generosity

 

IN LINE WITH the prior chapter, while I encourage guys to treat their women to nice meals and dates, there is such a thing as doing too much.

If you’re clearly going outside your means to impress a girl because you think she wouldn’t otherwise go out with you, you’ll send at best an image of desperation and at worst she’ll start thinking you’re trying to manipulate her into being with you.

Balance is important. In everything you do with women there needs to be an equilibrium between your personality and your actions.

Sure, women like guys who go the extra mile for them. And yes, it will score you extra points. But when you start running to her like a puppy dog, that’s a sure way to kill any attraction she may have had for you.

Be generous but not reckless. If she knows you make less money than her, don’t take her to a five-star restaurant every time. You won’t succeed in impressing her this way. Instead, you will seem desperate, and this image is unattractive to both parties involved.

A secure man knows his worth and also knows how to treat a lady. He’ll do the right things at the right time. He won’t be stingy, but he won’t be her doormat. He’ll do what’s reasonable and what makes sense for the situation.

Also, if you are trying to go out with a woman you think is superior to you, whether it is looks or career, you need to keep in mind that other men have probably already impressed her with the obvious stuff, such as fancy restaurants, gifts and the like. If you want to stand out, then focus on what you have to offer as a man and what’s possibly more unique to you. Bring forward traits such as responsibility, integrity, protection and classy manners. This will take you much further than the flashy gestures that she’s probably seen before. Plus, if you’re not so experienced, you may not be able to ‘outdo’ the prior guys’ tricks, so it’s best not to even try.

Most likely she’s looking for a genuine connection, so offer her that. Yes, you can splurge on something nice once in a while to show that you want to do things for her, but outside of those times, focus on developing a real rapport with her. Be generous in listening to her, making sure she’s having a good time and showing her respect.

 

 

~ 28 ~    Since She’s Rich

 

“I DON’T HAVE to pay for her”—that’s what many guys think when they are going out with a woman who has a good job, drives a nice car or seems to have money.

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Women—rich, poor, pretty, ugly, smart, airhead, young, old—want to be treated by a gentleman. They want to feel special when they are with you and they want to be sure that you’re willing to put in the financial effort to treat them right, and even if it’s obvious that they themselves can afford to go to a nice dinner or pay for a trip.

Traditionally, a man protects and provides. Women want to see that sentiment regardless of the status between the two. Offer to pay, always, despite the situation. Even if you are stretching your limits, the extension of financial assuredness says a lot about your character.

It is an affront for an independent woman to see a man who assumes that just because she has money, he can now relax and doesn’t need to put in the same effort.

So guys, find your way of how you want to treat women, how much you’re willing to spend on them and what kind of activities you’d like to do with them, and then apply your techniques to all of them, regardless of their status or age. She’ll certainly notice that, because you’ll eventually mention some of your past relationships and if she sees that you’re treating her in line or even better than others, you’ll get extra points. But you will lose points if you take her for granted as she’ll sense that you’re taking advantage of her or even just enjoying the fact that you don’t need to sacrifice as much for her. So, don’t fall for this temptation as it will sabotage your relationship before it has even begun.

Another problem that sometimes arises is the guy will treat the woman correctly in the beginning, but the second she mentions something that makes him understand that she’s better off than he originally thought, all of a sudden he thinks it’s acceptable for her to pick up the tab all the time. This will be very disappointing for the girl and ideally, this is not the type of attitude you should have when going out with someone.

So, be proud of who you are and what you can do for your woman. She’ll be thankful (even if she doesn’t always express it directly) and you’ll make things much smoother without even having to do or say anything else.

And if you’re on a tight budget, she’ll appreciate you going the extra mile. Sure, there are nasty women out there who are only out to take advantage of guys and could care less whether you’re straining your budget for her or not. But this is still the vast minority of women. If you’re out with at least a somewhat decent girl, she’ll propose to split the bill herself when she feels she’s ready and when she finds that you’ve shown enough effort to court her. So, be on the lookout for her volunteering, which is a much better strategy than awkwardly forcing her to pay.

 

 

 

~ 29 ~    Degrading Women and Bitterness

 

I UNDERSTAND that many men have had bad experiences with women—we all have whether we’re male or female.

However, don’t become bitter and blame it on others. When you’re going out with a new person, don’t immediately throw at her your negative experiences from the past or your negative thinking about women.

Oftentimes, men project their own thoughts and feelings about women and don’t realize that that’s not necessarily the case with the woman right in front of them.

 

For example:

 

Bill connected well with Anna and after a few months he asked her to be exclusive.

One day Anna was remodeling her home and she asked Bill for his opinion. She was picking different paint colors for her bedroom walls and wanted to know which one looked better with her furniture, so she asked him about it. Instead of giving her his idea of what he preferred, he said something like this: “If I tell you what I like I’m going to be criticized, so I really rather not give an opinion; you can pick whatever you like, it’s all fine by me.”

Anna was really disappointed. She liked the guy and she wanted to know what he liked, so she wanted to know his preference to keep that in mind for her room. Instead, his reaction was rather negative.

What surprised Anna is that she had never criticized him before. They seemed to have a harmonious relationship and she was dumbfounded that he would project some kind of a past experience on to her. Because of that, she said to herself she would be wary about asking for his opinion in the future.

 

Another example:

 

Joe was having his first dinner date with Lilian. He had met Lilian before through friends and at parties, but they never connected for a date before, so he was eager to finally dine with her and get to know her.

Once they started talking, he quickly went into the subject that all women are gold diggers and that many will not date him because he doesn’t have a nice car. He also complained about his ex-wife having ripped him off and taken things from his house that belonged to him.

Lilian was not that kind of girl. She was looking for a genuine relationship and was disappointed at his bitterness. He also insisted they go Dutch and did not propose to walk her to her car. After that date, she decided to never see him again.

 

~ 30 ~    Puppet, Doormat, Leech—Chasing Women Endlessly

 

OK, SO YOU’RE ready to do lots of things for the girl you’d like to be with.

But ask yourself: are you doing it out of your good nature and generosity, or is it because you’re subtly trying to manipulate her into liking “this nice guy” that you are.

There is a subtle distinction between the two. The important part is to recognize your ulterior motive. It’s noble and even recommended to do things for the woman you’d like to attract, but the key is to do it in a detached manner from the ultimate outcome. Being charming, giving and helpful is a characteristic you need to cultivate internally and apply to most people you meet. That’s when you’ll be sincere, and your good intentions will shine. However, if you’re otherwise not so nice to people, but suddenly you’ve become the ideal man jumping at a whim for her, she’ll gradually lose attraction as she sees it’s a facade.

If you’re desperately clinging to a girl despite her clear signs of no interest, you’ll lose all respect in her eyes, and this will erode your self-confidence. That’s why you need to determine for yourself in advance how far you want to go with a woman.

This is in line with what I also teach about “not chasing.” It’s okay to pursue a woman initially, but when you start chasing her despite her clear signs of disinterest, this becomes an exercise in futility and you will not win her over, in contrast to what many men might think. You cannot convince someone to fall for you, be attracted to you or love you. This is valid for men AND women!

 

Other ways of appearing clingy and needy is staying too long at her place when it’s really time to leave, as well as doing things for her she didn’t ask you to do and as a result infringing on her space and privacy.

If you’re too pushy about activities and future trips with her while you barely know the girl, this too will appear too desperate and needy. In line with this behavior is also a guy who too quickly wants to announce the world that they are a couple, insisting on holding hands at social events or when with friends and family, presenting too quickly their new girl to his children and/or parents, and overall, being too excited about a future together.

Another thing that drives women crazy is if a guy says things too soon like: “honey,” “babe,” “sweetie,” “I miss you,” “you’re my girl,” etc. Or, you may like her so much that after the first date you’re ”reserving” her for the next day and the following day and even the day after. Calling and texting too much in an inappropriately familiar way is also not a good idea. You’ll overwhelm her by exhibiting feelings that are too strong for the situation and she’ll end up thinking that you’re either jealous, possessive or plain weird.

Guys who haven’t been with a girl for a while may try to play their “nice guy” card.

Just imagine: how did you feel when a girl was obsessively into you? Did you give her a chance? Did you like that? Did you feel that if she keeps doing this, eventually you’ll give in?

Unless it’s purely using her for sex, you most likely cut it short quite quickly and felt no attraction for her whatsoever.

Most men will not give a desperate woman the light of day. The same applies when the sexes reverse It’s exactly the same for women. If they have no attraction to you, say they just want to be friends or are simply not interested for whatever reason, you’ll be nothing but a desperate leech and her puppet. But aside from momentarily getting some attention from her, this will not lead to anything. Ask yourself what psychological issues or unresolved emotional problems you may have if despite someone saying no, you keep pursuing at any cost. It’s not a healthy pattern for either one of you. So, please, create boundaries for yourself and others and you’ll be standing much stronger in your shoes.

 

 

~ 31 ~    Jealousy and Control

 

IN LINE WITH the prior chapter, acting in a jealous or possessive way will also most likely hurt your potential with the woman you’re dating.

Sometimes men think it’s ok for them to do what they want, to flirt with other women, have guys nights out in strip clubs and other pick-up joints, but the second the girl starts doing the same, they get all bent out of shape. This is a double standard you don’t want to apply.

Women these days are quite independent. They know what they want, and they know what they’re willing to tolerate. If you’re the jealous and possessive type, she’ll run—just as you would if the roles were reversed.

Jealousy and possessiveness often go hand in hand with wanting to be in control. This includes controlling the women you are with. You need to realize that this is a deviation from normalcy. Forget about what the “traditional male-female” roles are. These really mean that the guy needs to lead and take charge, while the girl is more focused on feminine tasks. Nowhere do these roles imply the man controls and the woman submits. If these relationship structures did exist, it’s because they were imposed by society. It doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

Many therapists stay in business because of control issues that couples encounter. You don’t want to go there. Try to steer clear as much as you can from dysfunctional behavior, and this includes being controlling, jealous, possessive, insulting, and a host of other deviations. It’s best to live your life in as straight a line as possible to achieve better results.

It’s exactly in this context that the law of attraction works. The more normal and positive you are, the better the quality of people you’ll attract, whether it’s friends or girlfriends.

 

Everyone knows a guy who’s continuously repeating the same pattern with women. He may purposefully find a woman who’s financially not well off or who doesn’t have a job, lure her in with paying for her and making her dependent on him. Then, later, when he’s tired of her, he’ll throw her back on the street, or he’ll make her even more dependent and will be controlling everything she does in her life. I call this modern-day slavery. But aside from that, this is really a dysfunctional pattern of creating a relationship based on co-dependency.

If you’re so insecure about yourself that you’re looking for a dumb woman who will cater to all your whims, you must consider if your actions really serve you. This is not a healthy way of living. If you become stuck in this pattern, your prospects will not improve.

 

Harold is a case in point. He would always find girls in bars and restaurants who were poor waitresses or immigrants trying to make a buck. Some of them were sexy and despite an age difference of 20 or more years, they’d still go out with Harold.

Now, if you think that they were spending time with Harold for his beautiful eyes, you’d be wrong. Few women will take care and have sex with an older guy, unless it’s for financial reasons.

So, his stories always went the same way. He’d meet these girls, they’d start whining and complaining about how hard life was for them and how poor they were. To keep them connected to him, he’d start buying them cars, financing their “new business” or helping their family abroad. But don’t be mistaken, they weren’t asking for a small and old Toyota. These women would ask for a Mercedes, a $10,000 “loan” to pay off their debts or an $800-a-month payment to “pay for college” for their kid in Mexico. These were surreal amounts, but Harold fell for it, genuinely believing that what they were telling him was the truth.

Unfortunately for him, after a few months, these women would disappear, never to be heard from again. He’d be out thousands of dollars but would be wondering why this happened.

And again, unfortunately for him, he didn’t learn from these mistakes. While the actions of these women are condemnable, he knowingly repeated his failures over and over again. Instead of looking for more independent, quality women, he’d pick up those easy girls. Many years back he had cheated on his then-girlfriend, who happened to be the only person who cared for him.

So, when he was sick and needed someone to pick up meds from the pharmacy, his latest cleaning lady conquest suddenly began working late and had a tennis elbow from cleaning. She wasn’t around to help him or care for him. Yet, she was still demanding a Mercedes from him.

 

I hope this serves as a lesson that things are not always as they seem. And you’re more prone to fall for these kinds of situations when you’re trying to control a woman or make her dependent on you. Ask yourself who really holds the cards in such a situation.

 

~ 32 ~    TMI

 

EVERYBODY KNOWS what TMI stands for: Too Much Information.

But it’s one thing to know this in theory, and another to know what to say and when, and what to keep for yourself when on a date or in a relationship with a woman.

 

Sean was a nice guy, but he didn’t date much, mostly because of shyness. He felt he had a lot to offer to a woman, though, and when he met a girl that he really liked, he decided to give it a go.

They spent a few dates together and really enjoyed each other’s conversation. They also appreciated each other’s honesty and the possibility to discuss things without feeling judged.

So, one night, when they hung out for several hours, he told her nearly his whole life story. He said how he felt no one had ever loved him and that he didn’t expect it from anyone anymore, how his ex was never thankful for anything he did and how, if he’s with another woman, he would want her to work if she wants to buy something for herself, because he’s not willing to support a woman as he did his ex.

He also shared his dreams of travel and enjoyment of life with her. This really appealed to her as she also wanted to see the world.

He had a five-year old son, though, so his plans were maybe 10 to 15 years out as he was living in a small town where his son went to school and where his ex lived. He was very dedicated to his child, and Jennifer really appreciated his loyalty and integrity when it came down to family matters.

 

However, she was not at the same point in her life. She was ready to take off and explore places. She realized that Sean will never leave his town before his son grows up and leaves for college.

She also had already lived in the suburbs and she had found it incredibly boring and isolated. She had specifically moved into the city so that she would be conveniently close to everything, including fun attractions and nice restaurants. She wanted to meet a nice guy with whom she could share this and have fun.

But she could tell he wouldn’t move anywhere any time soon. Also, she had dated guys who were actively traveling for fun and were very open minded when it came to exploring new places and countries. She didn’t sense this was Sean’s case. He seemed to be very closed off in his own world and the few trips he had made were not impressive. She felt that they were too different. It’s one thing to say you want to travel and enjoy the world, and another is to have the personality for it. She didn’t feel his personality matched with his goals, another issue that often pops up.

Fortunately for her, she caught this mismatch between his words and his real situation. But a less experienced girl might take him at his word, believe she’ll be able to travel and see the world with him, while in reality he’s shackled to his kid. Even if he didn’t mean to, this could result in him leading her on and into a relationship that may not be a good fit for her. That’s why honesty needs to be in all things, and not just subsections of what you’re communicating to a woman.

What also bothered her was his way of saying that no one had ever loved him and how he didn’t expect it from anyone. It just felt very depressive to her. Even though she was mature enough to know that we all sometimes go through times like that, she didn’t want to become his therapist or his mom, constantly having to soothe him emotionally.

Helping each other emotionally when one party is going through a tough time is expected in a relationship, but the situation is different here, knowing there’s a lot of emotional baggage that needs fixing.

So, as much as she liked the guy, she felt too many things were off right from the start and she decided to just stay friends and nothing more.

 

This illustrates why a woman may tell you: “Let’s just be friends.” She doesn’t see a good potential future with you, or she’s not attracted to you, but she thinks you’re nice enough of a person to be in her life, so she wants to keep you as a friend. You will most likely never get out of that category. Many PUA and other “aggressive” dating coaches may tell you that there are ways of getting out of the friend zone, but I disagree. Sure, this can happen every once in a blue moon, but for the most part, you cannot convince a woman to start thinking of you in a different light if she’s already made up her mind about you.

That’s why, especially in the beginning phases of dating, it’s best to refrain from sharing too much sensitive or personal information with her. While you’re being honest, it ends up being unnecessary and damaging. It’s fine to give some background about your life and answer a few of her questions. But if you go too deep into all your frustrations, bad experiences and bitterness, you’ll most certainly push her away. Nobody wants to be someone’s therapist.

 

There is a distinction, though, between sharing TMI about you as a person and talking more deeply about issues of life and love. It’s okay to have interesting discussions about things that lie outside of your personal sphere. You can discuss things more in general, as an outsider. But if you start talking about your personal issues, you might as well say goodbye to your girl. You probably wouldn’t find a girl who whines about all the guys who dumped her, her abusive childhood and her emotional problems attractive. So, apply this conclusion to yourself as well.

 

~ 33 ~    Being Judgmental

 

IN THE PRIOR chapter, we discussed how TMI can sabotage any connection you may be establishing with a woman.

While sharing too many weaknesses or bad experiences with a date is not a good thing, being judgmental and unaccepting of what she tells you isn’t good either.

To clarify, you need to be open to the other person and refrain from placing her into a predetermined category. It’s one thing not to want to be someone’s therapist and fix her problems, it’s another to put a sticker on someone right off the bat and write her off because of some small issue that may or may not be important in the long run.

 

Sandy grew up poor. So, now that she had a good job, she enjoyed buying herself pretty clothes, driving a nice car, having her nails professionally done and plainly enjoying life.

When Aaron met her, he immediately was intimidated by her independent streak. He thought she was nice, but he decided she would be a high-maintenance girl, that would cost him money and that eventually might leave him anyways.

Even though they clicked that night over dinner, he never called her back. She was confused and didn’t understand why.

 

In this situation, he neglected to adequately understand her reasons for spending money. Also, he felt threatened because of her independence, not realizing that because she’s buying her own clothes, she most likely won’t be asking him to spend too much money on her.

Aaron judged her by the outside appearance and ended up projecting his own fears and insecurities onto her, not realizing that he was sabotaging a potentially nice connection with a girl who had a lot to offer. Don’t make this kind of mistake. Give her, and your connection, a chance.

 

Frank met Gloria and was really smitten with her. She was sexy, confident, bubbly and talkative.

While they were having dinner at a local steakhouse, she said hello to several guys and gals that she appeared to know.

Frank asked her if she came here often. She told him, “No, not really,” and that it was a funny coincidence that several people she knew from the gym and her neighborhood were here. She also told him she had a lot of friends and acquaintances from her yoga club.

Frank started feeling uncomfortable. He wondered if she had gone out with any of these guys or even slept with them. What if she were one of these popular girls, maybe even an easy girl? That’s not what he wanted, not to say that he was afraid she’d dump him the second she met someone better looking than him.

After their date, he concluded she must be an easy girl and not the kind of woman he was looking for. He never contacted her again.

 

As you can see, Frank placed a bunch of judgments onto Gloria because of his feelings of insecurity and jealousy, and jumped to a conclusion. He didn’t know her well, but he also hadn’t given her the chance she deserved. He might well have missed a great opportunity to discover who she really was. But he didn’t.

 

A final example is Don, who already was in a relationship with Sandra for 5 months. One day, they were in a beauty store and they bought a bunch of presents for family and friends for the upcoming holidays. The store was doing gift wrapping for free and Sandra had noticed the salesperson had not used little bows that were in a jar for the purpose of gift wrapping. She felt the wrap was very nice and didn’t want to insist or criticize the lady for not including those.

Instead, she grabbed a couple herself and threw them in the bag with the gifts, so that she could put them on at home.

Well, Don accused her of stealing and of being dishonest. She defended herself that these were there for this purpose and that they were so tiny, this would hardly be considered stealing. Plus, she felt that after all the money they had spent and the holiday season cheer, there was absolutely no harm in taking these home.

But Don insisted and said that if that’s what she did, what else might she do? She felt judged on the spot and thought he was being unreasonable. She jotted this incident down in her mental notebook.

Over the coming months, her boyfriend made several other remarks that were quite degrading or judgmental of her. The funny thing was that he said she was being dishonest about some minor thing, while she had noticed him lying about much bigger issues.

The number of judgments multiplied over time and she felt he was projecting his issues onto her. Eventually, she decided to break up with the guy.

 

I think it’s clear from the above example that before pointing the finger at someone else, one must ask himself not only whether it’s warranted, but also whether one lives up to this standard himself.

When you’re looking, you can always find bad things about a person, because no one is perfect. The key is to put things in context and to see whether the little things really describe who she is. Most people (men and women) may have little white lies in their lives. That doesn’t mean they are untrustworthy individuals. You need to look at how those people handle their lives from within, and not focus on small external elements and draw unnecessary parallels. Putting yourself in her shoes may be a very good strategy to figure out whether what you’re thinking or saying is really worth pointing out.

 

~ 34 ~    You’re So Beautiful

 

I’VE MENTIONED this in my other books, but men need to be careful when giving compliments to a woman.

The first rule is to avoid complimenting her on her physical looks, whether it’s a beautiful face, slim body, nice hair, pretty eyes, etc.

Most women receive these kinds of comments from many men and they’re usually tired of it. It can come off as shallow and interested—which is the opposite of a sincere compliment.

Also, it tends to objectify women: it’s as if you’re looking at a statue and describing it. A woman is a human just like you are. It can make a person feel uncomfortable when she senses that you’re judging her by her looks, even if it’s positive.

So, instead of making comments on her physical appearance, focus on specific things about her personality, her ways of doing things or something she said that you liked.

When you mention specific things, it immediately sends the message that you’re observant, a deep thinker and pay attention instead of launching a generic compliment you may be using on all women.

Find a way to differentiate yourself from others, and you’ll immediately stand out as a worthwhile individual.

 

Marissa had been going out with Joe for three months. One day, she told him that she felt they needed to talk more often in a more intimate way, to build a deeper connection.

Joe wasn’t good at it, but he made an effort.

When they started sharing things they liked about each other, he gave her an interesting example.

He said that she had a really nice way of communicating her desires and wants in an indirect way and that he always was able to read between the lines and then do the right thing. He really liked it as it didn’t put him on the spot directly; she wouldn’t accuse him of anything or criticize him. And he said that usually, he would “receive the message 10 out of 10!”

Not only was this a sincere compliment about her, but it went a long way with building a special connection with her. She remembered this comment long after they broke up due to other reasons several years later. It’s also something she was proud to use with other guys and was happy to have received such positive feedback.

 

You see, the law of attraction was here at work. Positive creates positive. He appreciated her way of communicating and she appreciated the feedback. This made their relationship smoother (in that area). And it helped her gain an insight into herself and what men liked about her. This was a very specific—and unforgettable—compliment.

 

Obviously, you can’t always make compliments this deep. But, you can still make small comments about how observant she may be, that she has good taste, that you trust her opinion, that you like it that she’s on time and that you can count on her, that she always dresses right for the occasion (this is not a direct physical description but rather a comment about her sense of style and good taste). The list is endless, so you can be generous with your compliments when the moment is right.

That said, don’t overdo it, or it will come off as insincere and manipulative. Compliments get their strength from their relative rarity and specificity. The more often you do it (or overdo it), the less of an impact it will have. So, use it sparingly and wisely. You’ll earn many points from your girl, even if she doesn’t react to it at that specific moment.

 

~ 35 ~    Reality Mismatch

 

THERE’S SUCH a thing where a guy is overdoing it to please or impress the woman, but it doesn’t really match up with who he is.

Remember, women have strong intuitive powers. So, if you’re going overboard with certain things you say, but she senses that it’s not who you are, she’ll quickly start distrusting you or disrespecting you. In any case, she may not take you seriously.

 

Going back to the example of Sean a few chapters back. He mentioned that he would like to travel and enjoy life. Yet, his behavior pointed to the opposite: he was stuck in a little village and he hadn’t gotten out much to travel at all. When someone says they like to travel, you can usually see this in their personality and in what they do. They have traveled the world. They get out a lot. They plan their next trip. They don’t just go lay out by a pool of a touristy hotel somewhere. They usually explore different places, visit nature, explore local spots and food, etc.

Sean hadn’t displayed any of these. Sure, his dream might be to do that. But since he’s never really done that, what are the chances that he will change one day? Not high.

 

Robert really enjoyed nature. He spent much of his free time outdoors, hiking and biking. He also enjoyed going camping and grew his own garden veggies.

When he met Sally, they immediately clicked as she also was a big nature lover. They spent many weekends exploring the neighboring woods and climbed up some awe-inspiring cliffs in the area, taking amazing pictures of sunsets.

Robert worked as a sales clerk in an outdoor clothing store. He enjoyed his work as he got to meet many people with whom he shared the same passion for the outdoors.

One day, he told Sally that he’d like to buy a ranch, have cows and sheep, and grow his veggies as well as plant fruit trees so that he could sell them to organic stores.

His plans were impressive, and Sally got to dream about this amazing future she could have with him.

But then one thing dawned on her: where would he get the money to buy a ranch and all the animals and greens on it?

The more he talked about it, and the more she listened to him, she realized this was completely out of reality for him. Except for the dream of the farm, she didn’t sense much ambition in him regarding the money he would make to manifest his dream. At some point, she started wondering if he was just saying this to impress her.

Over time, this sounded more and more unrealistic on his part. She regretted that he would feel the need to tell her these grandiose things if it was just to impress her. She liked him the way he was in his natural ways and she didn’t necessarily need to live on a ranch to stay with him.

Then she started wondering if he was counting on her job and earnings to make his dream come true. It sounded like a project over his head. She was not impressed. She felt there was a mismatch between what he was saying and doing. She became distrustful of him.

 

It doesn’t really matter how this story ended. The fact is that a woman likes to see a man who’s realistic about what he can do. Boasting about some things that are out of character will usually have the opposite effect. You’re much better off keeping it to your level of expertise. If you have some impressive goals, you better be able to show that you’re working toward realizing those. Otherwise, you’ll just look ridiculous. She’ll see through your tricks and your efforts to impress her will be wasted.

 

~ 36 ~    Too Emotional

 

YES, WOMEN are emotional beings. Much more so than many men (though there are some sensitive men out there and all the power to them!). Emotionality is a woman’s essence.

Telling a woman that she’s too emotional is a big no-no. It’s like telling a guy that he’s too much of a guy.

The whole beauty of men and women is the differences they have. Many authors and experts tend to describe men and women as completely opposites, but I think men and women have a lot more in common than our society wants us to admit. That said, key differences remain—emotionality and sensitivity are some of those differences.

If you’re arguing with a woman and trying to explain your behavior or some other thing that happened with only rational and logical thoughts and you’re bumping against what your girl thinks and feels, the last thing you want to do is keep imposing your rationale and discredit her opinion on the basis of her being too emotional.

You need to realize that women process things differently. It’s a lot more fluid, intuitive and emotional. However, this doesn’t mean they’re wrong. Both sides have equal merit. An emotional response and a logical one often compromises somewhere in the middle.

So, if you don’t want to alienate a woman you’re with, don’t ever tell her she’s too emotional, too irrational or is lacking logic. Even if you don’t completely understand where she’s coming from, accept that you can both be right and disagree. Or, try and see her side and maybe something will click for you.

A man who’s able to apply his emotional intelligence to his relationships will always come out strong. This emotional intelligence will be an ally of yours to understand women, to know when to insist on being right and when to let it go.

 

Another circumstance is when instead of accusing your girl of being too emotional, you need to be there for her to “pick up the pieces” and exercise calm and a protective attitude. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with her, be there for her in your calm, masculine way. Be the rock she can lean on.

If she had a bad day at work and is emotional about it, be supportive. Be there for her. Be her rock! Don’t make things worse to try and help her by giving her advice, your opinion or trying to apply logic. This is not the time or space to do it. What she needs at that moment is the security a man can provide. Be the balancing energy she needs at that moment. This is where the power of being opposite or complementary is at its strongest. Be the man she can lean on in case of trouble and you’ll have your girl at your feet.

Many guys are afraid of emotional outbursts, confrontation or conflict. However, it’s in these moments that a man can prove his worth to the woman he’s with. This is when your masculine prowess will come in most handy, so use it. Accept that challenging moments are a part of life. Don’t run from them as this will immediately show her that you’re not capable of facing and resolving tough situations. Instead, be proud to be there for her and this will solidify your relationship.

 

~ 37 ~    Let Me Help You

 

WOMEN LOVE it when a man can help them. Whether it’s to fix or repair something, mow the lawn, carry the bags, lift heavy stuff or help negotiate when buying a car, their help is usually very much appreciated.

However, what you need to refrain from doing is giving advice and helpful tips when a woman is upset about something, is sharing or venting her frustrations or is emotional.

It is not the same as with guys, where logical and rational solutions are usually welcome and will put the problem to rest.

Women specifically have a need to vent and to have someone on the other side who can listen to them and be a shoulder to cry on.

When she’s upset about a girlfriend, work or something else that happened during the day, show her that you’re listening to her and sympathizing with her.

Don’t jump in with solutions, don’t interrupt her with a similar experience you had or with an idea on how to go about fixing the issue. This will most likely unnerve her, and you’ll risk getting a bitchy response back without understanding why.

To show her that you heard what she said, you can reply with phrases such as “how terrible, very upsetting, that’s so unfair, I feel for you” and so on.

Avoid using phrases such as: “don’t feel bad about it. You deserve better. I get annoyed with stuff like that too and why don’t you ….” These point to advice and that is not what she’s looking for. She’s looking for emotional support, for the rock she thinks you are. So be one!

 

When men jump in, interrupt or start rambling off their similar experiences, they basically cut the woman off and don’t allow her to fully express her emotions. Yet, that’s what she needs at that moment.

If you tell her things such as, “don’t worry; it’s all in the past so no need to dwell on it,” or, “why does it bother you so much? It’s no big deal,” you are effectively invalidating her feelings. You will not be helping her in this case. Instead, you’ll be denying her the right to express herself freely to you, not to mention it will be apparent to her that you’re not mature enough to understand and sympathize with her problems.

Even if it doesn’t look like a big deal to you, it is significant to her. So, give her this support when she needs it and she’ll feel very protected and safe with you.

 

~ 38 ~    Safe Sex

 

AH, THE SUBJECT of safe sex! But in this chapter, we will not be talking about condoms and other means of contraception.

Instead, what I mean by safe sex is that the physical act of sex needs to feel safe for the girl you’re with.

Let me clarify: it’s not that you need to be all gentle and passive in order not to scare her off. Not at all. You can be totally passionate, yet you would only allow yourself to continue with the act if you see and feel that she’s into it.

Let me illustrate this.

 

Steve was a nice guy. He had a crush on Olivia at work and after spending a few lunches with her at work, he had invited her to a few dinner dates.

Olivia liked Steve too, but she wasn’t sure she was physically attracted to him. However, he seemed like a quality guy, who was sincerely interested in her, so she decided to give him a chance.

After a few times seeing him for dinner, she thought she’d reciprocate by inviting him over for drinks and dinner at her condo. She knew he would be very respectful toward her, so she wasn’t concerned that this would necessarily lead to sex that night.

Everything went well until it was nearly time to leave. They were sitting on her couch and he started kissing her.

It wasn’t his fault, but the way he kissed her was as if she were a statue or an object. She seemed so dear to him, that he kissed her as if she’s a princess and he’s a slave: there was no electricity between the two of them. It’s as if he was kissing an inanimate object that he had finally won over.

It felt very strange and unpleasant to her. It’s as if he didn’t give her the time to respond in kind. Instead, he just kissed all over her face and cheeks and was expecting her to just sit there. And he wouldn’t stop, despite it being clear that she wasn’t responsive to his gesture.

As he covered more and more of her face with his lips, not noticing that she wasn’t enjoying it, she felt she had no choice but to push him away.

It was a somewhat brutal rejection on her part, but she couldn’t stand it anymore and he wasn’t getting the hint. She tried being somewhat friendly and asked him jokingly to leave, nearly pushing him out through the door. She felt bad about doing this, but she felt even more disgusted by this weird kissing encounter. Needless to say, she never wanted to go out with him again.

 

Whether you can explain it as physical incompatibility, a lack of chemistry or awkwardness by the guy, the end result is the same: it just wasn’t working, and he didn’t see it in time. If he’d noticed it straight away and pulled back, respecting some of the space between them, it might not have ended in a train wreck. But he was oblivious to her subtle, yet clear, inaction and continued until she had no choice but to push him away.

I know it’s sometimes hard for guys to read signs from women. After all, we’re all wired differently. But if you don’t want to be repulsive to women, then go slowly and pay attention to her responsiveness to what you’re doing. If she’s uncomfortable, it’s best to stop and ask if anything is making her uncomfortable than to push it through—no matter how much you want her.

 

Another example is of a positive experience Ashley had with Tom. After a month or so of dating, they became intimate. They shared a great connection and had a lot of passion. Sparks were everywhere, and the lovemaking was quite pleasant while intense.

But what Ashley appreciated about Tom the most is how gentle and respectful he was of her when “it” happened. He asked her if he weren’t too heavy, if it wasn’t hurting her and if she were comfortable in the current position. He also told her to tell him when or if something would not feel right, to tell him so that he could adjust.

Prior to this, he had noted how he liked her curves and he hadn’t pressured her. She felt accepted and knew that no matter what they would do, he would always consider her level of comfort and readiness. He was the first man who had ever said such things and been a gentle and considerate lover. Most guys she had been with were often too involved with their own pleasure, completely ignoring her level of comfort and pleasure. They’d just assume that she’d be up for it, expecting her to “service” them, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to ignore where she was at and whether she wanted to really go that route.

 

This may seem obvious to some of you, yet most women have experienced harassment or sexual pressure from men during their lifetimes. Until you experience such a thing for yourself, you could not possibly understand how it feels to be in that position.

So, to avoid any accidents and awkward or unpleasant moments for both of you, it’s best to go gentle on women and to check with them here and there if they’re ok and if what you’re doing is pleasurable and enjoyable to them.

 

~ 39 ~    Pretending One Thing

 

RICH WAS SET up with Mina through friends and they clicked immediately. He was pretty good at being seductive with women, so they quickly progressed into being intimate with each other.

Rich was honest with Mina, or so he thought. He told her that he wasn’t ready for anything serious due to a tough divorce he’d had a year or so ago. Mina believed him and tried to keep it cool, not getting attached to him too much.

She did like him, though. When they were intimate, they would talk about life and other interesting subjects, and she felt they were getting closer. Rich also seemed to enjoy the time he spent with her. But every time he left her place, he’d reinforce what he had told her from the get-go: that he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

After a while, she started getting more and more confused. It seemed obvious that they really clicked and that their connection possibly could lead to something more. Yet, every time they were together, he would repeat the same thing, that he wasn’t ready.

One night, they were both invited to a party with friends. She was a bit nervous about going there as she wasn’t sure how to behave in front of everybody with him, since she was pretty sure no one knew about them.

Once at the party, they were standing in a circle of people they knew, talking and laughing. But Mina started feeling more and more uncomfortable with the whole scene.

Since Rich had reinforced the notion that they weren’t seriously dating, Mina decided to strike up a conversation with Brian. After all, she felt she had the right to socialize and meet other guys since Rich had told her their casual relationship wouldn’t lead anywhere.

But Rich became jealous, to her surprise. He pulled her by her sleeve aside and grabbed her hand, as if they were a couple. She was shocked as this was the opposite of what he had been telling her all along. She pulled her hand away, remaining independent. This was becoming too confusing for her.

After a while, they started talking to other people and she noticed that he was flirting with another girl. What was that supposed to mean? Mina wasn’t allowed to flirt with other guys, but Rich could?

She was very disappointed by the whole night and went home.

The next day, Rich called her and told her “honestly” that it was over between them, without giving any specific explanations.

Mina was crushed. Was that because she dared to speak to Brian in front of Rich?

She later found out that he had told their friends that they were dating, but she had no idea this was the case. Why was he playing this strange game with her? And why would he let her go if they both started developing feelings.

This was just another blow Mina couldn’t handle anymore. She became very withdrawn and later decided to move to another city where she could start all over again. But before moving, she heard through the grape vine that just two months after she and Rich stopped seeing each other, he’d met Michelle and was in a relationship with her. This was yet another shock to her considering he had told her he wasn’t ready.

 

This is a sad story, but you’d be surprised how often this happens. For most women, this kind of inconsistent behavior makes them crazy. If you’re not into someone, then tell them so. And if you are, then don’t pretend you’re not!

Why did he feel the need to tell her he wasn’t ready? To protect his feelings and emotions? If that’s so, then how about hers? Mina had walked away from this experience feeling extremely guilty that she “dared” to talk to another guy at the party. Yet, her behavior was consistent with the expectations he had set from the beginning. She also wasn’t aware of the fact that he had told people they were together, which made her look bad.

If you wouldn’t want something like that to happen to you, then don’t put women through ordeals like that. Be consistent with who you are and what you want. Don’t lead women on and don’t pretend one thing while you’re after another.

You may say that he didn’t expect to start getting attached to her. Okay, fair enough. But then he should have communicated it to her up front instead of keeping up with his game of “non-committal.” Don’t be that guy.

 

~ 40 ~    Pasha

 

WOULDN’T YOU want to sit on a throne like a pasha and have all the women at your feet?

Well, unless you live in the Middle East and are super rich, your chances of being that pasha are slim.

The natural and societal norms in the West ask the man to chase women and to lead in the beginning stages of dating or relationships. And that’s fine. Most guys like that and women expect this from them.

 

However, there’s one type of man who tries to play in reverse. He thinks he’s so great that women should be flocking to him and that he doesn’t need to lift a finger. Be it because he has money, looks or fame, he goes from party to party and from bar to bar with an attitude of “Look, I’m so great. Wouldn’t you want to go out with me?”

The problem with that is that women, though potentially temporarily attracted to someone like that, will quickly see what the guy is all about. Women of quality will not fall for his whims and in the end, mostly gold diggers or easy girls will pursue a guy like that.

As a result, you’ll see a natural selection happen—but not the kind you really want. Women that this guy might be interested in will not start jumping through hoops and compete for his attention with a bunch of other women. They’ll step aside and will look for a man who will make the effort to chase them and treat them like a lady.

So guys, don’t make this mistake. While it’s okay to dream up scenarios like this, it’s best to keep them in your imaginary world.

When you’re in the real world, be the quality man you want the women to like and take the necessary steps to go after the girls you want. If you’re sitting there like a pasha, hoping that the right girl will find you and you’ll be all set, good luck to you.

Most experienced players will always put up the effort to get the girl they want. They enjoy the chase and they enjoy showing the woman what they have to offer. They will not sit arrogantly expecting her to do all the work. Instead, they’ll treat her right and make sure to seal the deal before anyone else gets to her. It’s that simple.

 

 

~ 41 ~    Passive-Aggressive

 

EVERYONE KNOWS that being passive-aggressive is not a good thing. But you’d be surprised to hear how often people resort to it without even knowing their behavior would fit the description.

Most often, it’s obvious to the other party that the person is being passive-aggressive. It will be one more element that could lead to a fight or push the woman of your dreams away.

The solution?

Communicate openly and honestly. It’s very simple. Much easier than playing games, being too indirect and passively trying to resist something.

 

Tom had known Erin for a couple of years as a friend. They had met online, but he sensed that Erin wasn’t ready to have more with him than he wanted.

However, they had made a couple of trips together and enjoyed each other’s company. Over the years, Erin had moved away to be closer to her family. Tom had always wanted to visit and see that city and he thought this was a great opportunity. Plus, Erin had always told him that he could come and stay with her any time.

So, he jumped on the opportunity and flew out there for a week. Erin welcomed him warmly, having cooked for him a nice meal and purchased several bottles of nice red wine.

The following days, she also toured him around the area, showing him the nice places and restaurants. Since they both were into cooking, he also suggested they cook up some stuff at home. She thought that would work great.

The first trip they made to the supermarket they bought everything they needed for that night and the following day. She generously offered to split the bill. In a day or two, they needed more food, so she quickly stopped over at the supermarket and bought some more things.

A few days later, they went back into the store, and he loaded up on food and wine as he was a big drinker. When at the checkout, he stood blankly, and Erin felt the need to tell him that it was his turn to pay. He pretended to be surprised and even responded: “Ah, you want me to pay?”

Erin was furious. She had driven him around, never asked for gas money or anything else, had bought good wine and had cooked for him, and he was a guest staying with her (for free).

She answered: “Of course you need to pay!”

He complied, with a surprised look.

As the days progressed, he also expected her to pay for him at restaurants and other things. And when she would buy stuff to cook at home, he wouldn’t participate in the expense.

If she wanted him to participate in their food shopping, she had to insist that he pay. Even though there usually was a lot of wine that he liked to drink.

Then the end of his stay came. Erin couldn’t wait for him to leave at this point. He had always been relatively generous when they would be together, so she was surprised to see this side to his personality.

The day of his departure, he left the sheets all bunched up together on his bed, as if expecting for her or “the maid” to pick up after him. He also left dirty paper towels around the house, and empty wine glasses and dirty plates. “Was he going to leave the place in such a state?” wondered Erin.

She was shocked that he didn’t seem to have the decency to do a minimal cleanup before leaving. This is what people usually do when they stay in someone’s house. She knew she had done that when she stayed with him: she had folded the sheets, cleaned the floors, bathroom and kitchen. Tom seemed to think that he didn’t need to do the same at her place.

Erin got upset and told him that there’s no “maid” to clean up after him and that he should at least have the decency to fold the sheets and towels and to wash whatever dishes he had used. He had responded: “Ah, I need to clean up as well?”

She was really annoyed with the whole affair, especially because she had also promised she’d bring him to the airport an hour away, just as she had done when picking him up. He never proposed to reimburse her for anything. That would’ve been fine with her if he had offered to pay for food and restaurants to compensate for this. But that was another issue that she had had to insist on. She couldn’t wait to get rid of this guy—a guy she had known for over 5 years.

 

As you can see from this example, Tom destroyed any chance he may have been hoping for with Erin.

He wasn’t a gracious guest; he didn’t show thankfulness and took things for granted. He behaved as if she owed him something and needed to serve him. And he reacted in a passive-aggressive way when she confronted him, pretending he was surprised about the requests.

Whether it’s a lack of manners, cheapness or other weird expectation on his end, this was not a behavior to impress a woman. Erin wondered if they were together long-term, whether he’d ditch his responsibility and other things in a similar passive-aggressive way of pretending not to know any better. The only time he could’ve made an impression on her was on this trip, and he completely screwed it up. Don’t make a similar mistake.

 

This is just one example, but there are plenty of others that happen every day. Whether it’s pretending you’re not ready for a commitment, playing dumb or being lazy about practical things, pretending you didn’t hear the phone when she called, or telling a girl you’re sick for their date while in reality you don’t want to see her—all of these and more create unnecessary lies, stress and deception.

I encourage you to rise above this and find the strength to be a responsible individual who can express his needs and desires in a straightforward way, as well as resolve conflicts and misunderstandings with a proactive and open-minded attitude.

 

~ 42 ~    Guilt Tripping

 

GUILT TRIPPING is another strategy “bad” guys use to manipulate women into doing something she may not want. It’s not ethical and it’s not honest.

If you’re one of these dudes, ask yourself why you feel the need to manipulate instead of being nice and straightforward—two traits that women would appreciate a lot more than manipulation and dishonesty. Being nice doesn’t dethrone your manliness. In fact, it adds charm and decency to your portfolio.

 

Edgar was a relatively famous writer. His books had afforded him a decent living and a good deal of leeway in the publishing industry. A common friend set him up with Melissa and they met at a fancy hotel for drinks.

As the evening progressed, he became more and more pressing with his sexual advances. When she declined to kiss him, he sent her on a guilt trip, saying that she was a scaredy-cat and that she probably didn’t know how to kiss well. He kept pushing and insisting, trying to pressure her into kissing him, while making fun of her desire not to.

Fortunately for Melissa, she knew she was a good kisser and that her rejection of his advances was not because she was shy or inexperienced. She stood up and walked away from that date, never wanting to hear from Edgar again—no matter how famous he was.

 

The recent #MeToo movement has exposed many of the aggressive behaviors of men of power and position. But you’d be surprised how often women need to deal with obnoxious male behavior on a daily basis. You certainly wouldn’t want to be in those women’s shoes.

When you strive to be a better person every day, you’ll reach a level where you don’t feel the need to lie, cheat or manipulate. You won’t need to send women on a guilt trip just to get what you want.

Guys shouldn’t be afraid to appear “girly” if they’re nice and treat women well. Most high-profile experts in the dating field will confirm this to you (not those PUAs that are just trying to make a buck). Women are tired of men who mistreat them, harass them and manipulate them. This includes guilt tripping and other bad behaviors.

If you want to be appreciated for who you are, don’t use these tactics. It can backfire more quickly than you think, and you’ll end up bitter and even more angry. Get a grip on your behavior and find other ways to spend quality time with women. As they say: “You’ll attract more bees with honey than with vinegar.”

 

 

~ 43 ~    Unstable and Unpredictable

 

THERE’S UNSTABLE and then there’s unpredictable. Many PUAs and other “dating experts” tell men to be unpredictable. But the real meaning of the message often gets lost as guys think this means playing games, not calling or calling when not appropriate, disappearing and reappearing, changing plans and not taking into consideration her desires. I’d call this unstable rather than unpredictable. You don’t want to be an unstable guy.

Often, when you hear the word stable, it sounds like boring. And of course, most people don’t want to appear boring. But to put these descriptions of instability into practice is a recipe for disaster.

What most professional dating coaches will tell you is that by unpredictable they really mean spontaneous. It means suggesting fun things on the fly, extending the dates or coming up with cool ideas for future dates, bringing dinner for a stay-at-home movie night on an evening when you usually don’t see each other, etc.

It does NOT include being a flake, standing up women on dates, canceling at the last minute, not calling, saying one thing and doing another, not keeping your word and not being a man of integrity. This would be taking unpredictable to an extreme and let me tell you, nobody likes that, not even you!

Some guys think (and some PUAs tell them) that they shouldn’t call for 3 days after their first date, should be hard to pin down, need to avoid some hot topics and never ever let the woman control anything and everything you say or do.

Well, I’ve got news for you: it’s all wrong!

And the proof is in the pudding: just look at most married guys or those in long-term relationships. Did they play games with their significant others to get to go out with them? Most will say “no.” When there’s natural attraction, you don’t need to do anything out of the ordinary. And if there’s less attraction than you’d want, nothing really will change that. It’s best to move on instead of trying to resort to dishonest techniques.

 

So, to keep this chapter short and sweet, look at your behaviors and determine whether what you’re doing is really creating attraction and fun play vs. becoming a nightmarish scenario of cat-n-mouse play with the girl.

 

 

~ 44 ~    Changing the Subject

 

OKAY, WE ALL know that guys are not as good at communication about relationships as women are. But does this mean this leaves you off the hook?

No.

If you want to be successful with women, it’s paramount to learn as much as you can about effective communication and conversation with women. And this is not just about flirting and seduction. It’s about being able to tackle sensitive subjects with respect and understanding, compromise and conflict-resolution goals.

 

Filip was a charming guy. He’d dated quite a few women and he knew how to entice them. He was elegant, eloquent and witty. Plus, he had a hint of sophistication, good manners, and he was generous.

But once in a relationship, he’d shut down when it came down to communicating his feelings, emotions or just even talking about more sensitive subjects.

So, when Sonja would bring up their relationship, he would always smoothly steer away the topic. He’d either change it as if nothing happened, or he would answer briefly with a relatively shallow comment that wouldn’t leave room for discussion.

At the beginning of their relationship, she was a bit taken aback by it as she’d never experienced it before. One night when they were lying in bed, she mentioned casually that they never really talked about their relationship.

To that he responded: “You want to talk about us? What do you want to know? Yes, I enjoy my time with you and yes, I’d like to continue dating you. Don’t you?”

This cut the conversation short and apart from the “yes” she had responded to his question, she couldn’t find a way to expand on the subject.

But her worry hadn’t been alleviated. What she meant was that she wanted to build more intimacy, more closeness between the two of them. She never got a chance to ask that question and she never received a response to it due to his short reply.

She ascribed this to a one-off incident and continued to go out with him. A few more months went by and every time she’d launch a subject, he’d be this short or he’d smoothly steer the subject away. She felt she had a superficial relationship with him, even though they were doing everything right on the surface.

However, over time this lack of real closeness and communication started weighing on her. She felt she couldn’t confide in him with an issue and she didn’t feel she’d get any support in case of trouble. Her worries turned out right. When things were tough, Filip wasn’t there for her. This ended up sabotaging their relationship.

 

Obviously, it’s not just the lack of communication that’s the issue here, but also the guy not coming through when he should have and not dealing with the issues at hand when they arose. But his way of avoiding difficult or intimate subjects created a distance between them that couldn’t be filled when times were tough. She didn’t feel she was in a real relationship and in the end, it broke down.

 

When a woman approaches you with a subject, don’t ignore it, send it away or swiftly start talking about something else. Your success in life, whether it’s business or relationships, will depend on how well you can handle tricky situations. And that’s where your communication skills will come in. This will largely determine the outcome, even if it’s not immediately apparent.

And don’t be a fair-weather friend. Relationships are about two people and how they both make it work. If one person is there for you, you need to be there for them too. If one person needs to talk, you need to be able to listen, understand and respond. When you have respect for other people and you’re not hiding anything, this will take care of itself. When you’re dishonest, then, of course, you’ll be sabotaging everything from the get-go. Make your choice!

 

 

~ 45 ~    Second Chances

 

GUYS SEEM TO be notorious about not giving second chances, especially to women that they really loved and who possibly rejected them or broke their hearts.

Yes, society talks about the male ego being bruised. Yes, we women understand that.

But what many men don’t seem to grasp is that when you’re following the road of your ego and licking your wounds when the ego gets hurt, you’re possibly not giving yourself a new opportunity.

Often, women come to me and say that the men they went out with were still hung up on their exes. They were bitter and hurt, even though it had been years. That’s nearly a whole other subject by itself—not staying hung up on your exes. But in some circumstances, if you still have feelings for someone, you must fight your ego and your mind all the way and give yourself (and the other person) a second chance.

Couples who were destined to be together but split for one reason or another could be so easily reunited if either partner ignored his or her pride and followed their heart instead. This is often a problem that men encounter as they tend to analyze everything rationally and logically—something which will never give you a solution for relationships because relationships are by definition irrational and feelings come from the heart, not the head. It’s only with years of experience and some maturity that some people realize that it’s time to put their pride and ego on the side and go after what they really want.

So guys, if you have an ex who is asking you to reconsider and you’re stubbornly hanging onto past hurt or the rationalization why you shouldn’t, try to go still inside and listen to your heart. What does your heart say? How would you feel if you were together and all went well? Imagine that that’s possible!

I know you’ll be quick to say, “But everything won’t go well because of this and this and this.” Wrong! These are fears that are finding you reasons not to give it a second chance. You don’t want to live in fear. You want to live in bravery and flexibility. You would want a second chance in certain other circumstances. Then grant it to the woman you love, and to yourself. Ignore some of the mistakes or problems of the past. Try to talk things out that seem to be problematic. Agree to meet halfway and make compromises.

This isn’t to say that every second chance opportunity is destined to work or that reuniting with an old flame is always a good idea. Sometimes, what the person did is completely unforgivable, and it is impossible to move past. The best thing to do is use your better judgment and don’t sweat the little instances that scare you.

 

Give a second chance where one is needed. Otherwise, you may be letting your destiny get the best of you, and who knows what kind of life you’ll be leading once that decision is made. Life is too short have regrets many years down the line.

 

 

 

~ 46 ~    Complacency

 

ANOTHER TRAP is becoming complacent once you think you’ve won the woman over. This is a mistake and will sooner or later backfire, because if you put up a show at the beginning hoping to win her over and your behavior changes later on, she will leave you or at the very least you’ll have arguments which will put the relationship under undue pressure.

If you’re one of those guys that starts taking a woman for granted once you feel that she’s into you, ask yourself whether this is a healthy behavior and why you behave this way. Is it because you think you’re not good enough originally to get that girl, so the only way is to manipulate her into a relationship with you and once that’s done, you can relax? Would you like to be treated that way? Why do you think it’s okay to be this way with someone else?

A relationship is a partnership and should be based on equivalent give and take. If you were a giver just to lure her in, but now are becoming a taker or are just plain ignoring your girl’s emotions, it may be time to reassess what exactly you’re expecting from a relationship with someone.

If at the end of the day you stop calling her regularly, you’re not taking responsibility for things you should or you’re starting to act in other passive-aggressive or lazy ways, it may be time to call it quits—and do so in an honest way.

If you felt inferior to the kind of woman you were courting, and you put up a show, realize that it may be better to work on your issues first so that you wouldn’t feel that way. When you always try to improve yourself and be a better man, a woman will be flexible with whatever shortcomings you may have. You may not even need to hide them. But if you don’t feel you have much to offer, why would you want to be with that woman anyways if you think she’s looking for something that you don’t have.

 

This often happens when older men go out with younger women. Jonathan was one of those men. He was already in his mid-sixties but wanted to meet women who were 20 or 30 years younger than him.

By trying to attach them to him and making them dependent on him, he was hoping he could keep the “flame” burning for as long as possible. So, he would throw lavish gifts their way and talk about the “love” they had.

But once this game was over, the women would leave, and he would wonder why. The reason was simple: they weren’t there for him, certainly not for his looks. So long as he was helping them financially, they’d stick around. But this was the only reason, and Jonathan probably knew deep down that this is all they were after. Whether he was consciously aware of this or not doesn’t matter since the result was the same. The awareness would matter to him, as this would help him finally stop this crazy cycle. He wanted to find a real connection and real love. But for some reason he thought that he could buy it by bribing his way into it. Deep down he must have not felt he was worthy of it if he didn’t need to get his credit card out. And that’s really the main issue.

Whether one day he’ll realize this or not, we don’t know. But it’s a sad story in that he wasn’t even a rich man and he started getting himself into debt to keep women around. Unfortunately, he had been completely blind to the nice women that had come along in the past. He took his ex-wife for granted and financially and emotionally ignored his kids. He had dumped his ex-girlfriend who had a job and who was as stable woman. But he thought that her being 8 years younger than him wasn’t enough. . He took the nice women in his life for granted and wanted something that appeared ‘out of his reach’, which in his eyes was more valuable.

 

To some degree, all humans fall in this trap. It is the fundamental principle of greed at work. We assign more value to something we can’t have. The question is: once we have it, is it really want we want? Or what we need?

 

 

 

~ 47 ~    Interested or Needy?

 

ONE OF THE MAJOR mistakes almost all men make is misinterpreting a woman’s interest as neediness.

Our society keeps drilling into everyone’s heads that a man needs to be the pursuer, which results in men thinking that aloof women are the best ones to go after.

As mentioned in prior chapters, this is often the wrong way to view the dating and courting process with a woman. Yes, women want you to take the lead and initiative in dating. But when a woman rejects a man over and over again, this is a sign she’s not interested and no matter what you do won’t change her mind.

Instead, guys often think that “If only I did X, that this will finally convince her that I’m the right one for her.” This is, unfortunately, rational and logical thinking that doesn’t apply to relationships and certainly not to women, as women are a lot more emotional and feeling-based.

On the flip side of it, when a woman is showing interest in you, is available when you call or invite her for stuff, is giggly when with you and dresses up nicely, some guys think there must be something wrong with her for wanting them. They quickly lose interest thinking they’ve won her over and she’s not the right girl for them. This, however, is often exactly the opposite of the reality.

A girl who’s interested in spending time with you is usually THE right girl for you. Don’t fall into the trap of taking her for granted or thinking she’s needy because she’ll call and text you frequently. I’m not talking here about obsessive behaviors, of course. Everything needs to be balanced, and this means that a woman also has the right to call you, initiate dates, share stories about her day and her life, etc.

Remember, the world is changing fast and women do not view relationships as something that they constantly need to be submissive in. They want the man to play his male role, which is leading and being the dynamic partner. However, this doesn’t mean they want a man to be controlling, impose a double standard, or judge them as needy because the girl has expressed her feelings toward him or is making the first step.

If you want to be successful in dating and relationships, use the little trick of always trying to place yourself in the other person’s shoes: would you like it if she viewed you as desperate or needy just because you’re showing interest in her? Most likely, no. Well, why would you then view her this way?

Human behavior applies both women and men! There may be a division in certain roles, but that doesn’t make someone any less human or sensitive on a psychological level. Everyone has feelings, we just express those differently.

Running away from a girl just because she’s showing interest is not just a disservice to her and the society, but also to you as you’re not giving yourself the chance to possibly live a beautiful story with someone.

 

I know a guy who said, “Women always choose the man, and not vice versa.” I’ve thought long and hard about it and I believe there’s a lot of truth to it. Just take a moment and reflect on this phrase. Being open minded and accepting will help you not just in work or with friends—it will also help you be a better man and be more successful with women.

 

 

~ 48 ~    So Sorry

 

RECOGNIZING YOUR mistakes and apologizing for it is nearly an art for some people. For many guys, it can be notoriously difficult to say sorry to the girl they’re with or to admit their fault.

Yet, there’s nothing more that makes us human than to be humble and to step forward, recognizing our mistakes.

When you do this, it’s also what will make your connection more balanced and make the woman more comfortable being with you.

In the old days, men just seemed to take it for granted that women would adjust to their whims, always take the blame, always make sure they’re not hurting the male ego and always care for the guy no matter what. And while these were norms imposed by society, they’re no longer valid.

The modern generations have evolved away from this as both men and women feel free to do and say what they want. One is no more responsible than the other, and one is no less responsible than the other.

While women used to mostly stay at home while the men were the breadwinners, most women these days get an education, work and are independent. This means that they expect to be considered on an even level with the men they meet. Sure, all women want to be treated to nice dates and dinners —that’s part of courting and has nothing to do with the “roles at home.”

However, when it comes to living together or doing things together, there needs to be mutual respect. This implies that both are not afraid to apologize when they’re in the wrong. This also implies that both need to be forgiving and understanding. After all, nobody is perfect. Judgment and conditional acceptance have no place in a healthy relationship. Instead, partnership and mutual goals toward a harmonious connection are.

Ego is the enemy of all, including men. Often, guys think that they have the right to preserve their pride and ego, while the woman is not supposed to have that. That is wrong as both men and women have egos, pride and plenty of other shortcomings. Expecting one sex to adapt to the other in a one-way street is not what will result in a lasting connection. Women grow tired of this. They want their opinions, feelings, and thoughts to count too.

So guys, get your courage together and say you’re sorry if the situation calls for it. This will help your connection blossom and you’d be surprised how much more you’ll get out of it if you also feed it on your end! This is the big secret of them all: when you give, you receive even more. This is also the law of karma. Use it and enjoy it!

 

 

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